“Miraculously, I made it out. I don’t know how, maybe they wanted my superiors to view me as a warning to never return. The shame I faced was unlike anything else.”
A tear falls from my eye, cascading down my cheek.
“I still remember it all… the screams of my squad as they were slaughtered, the smell of their blood, the feeling of it landing on my skin… I-”
My throat seizes up, not allowing for me to continue. I let out a single cry, feeling nothing but guilt.
“Lykan, look at me.”
I turn to Cyra, her gaze alone providing me comfort.
“Come here,” she says, wrapping me in her arms. I rest my head on her shoulder, melting into her grip.
“I wanted to go back,” I say after a while. “To seek vengeance for my fallen brothers and shed blood in the dark elven honor… But my superiors had other plans. They stripped me from active field duty, citing I could no longer fight despite how capable I was, and still am.”
“Are you zagfer now?”
“No. Somehow, I’ve still kept the miou classification.”
“Well, that’s good isn’t it?” asks Cyra reassuringly.
“No,” I groan. “There’s no honor in it if I’m unallowed to go back and prove myself. What’s the point in the title if I cannot live up to the name? It’s nothing if all I can do is sit around now.”
“Come on, that’s not all you do…”
“And the families of my men… The conversations to inform them of their deaths were so unforgiving. Since I was their leader and sole surviving squad member, the spotlight was on me. I still feel like I haven’t recovered.”
I let out a sigh of exhaustion.
“I feel like less of an elf these days. Maybe I’m not worthy of being a miou anymore. The life I had when you met me wasn’t my choice. It was the closest I could get to my duties without fighting again but still… what’s it all worth?”
Stronger than ever is the urge to shut down but Cyra grasps my chin and turns my face to hers. In her eyes are a look of strength and resilience.
“I’ll tell you what it’s worth,” she speaks confidently. She presses my hand to her heart. “It’s worth this and the two amazing children you’ve given me.”
Cyra then pulls me closer, rubbing circles on my back as I close my eyes. At that moment, I finally achieve the feeling that I’ve been chasing endlessly for all these years; validation. For the first time, I feel like I’m not stupid for my mistakes, that my troubles are heard and acknowledged.
I realize it’s all because of the woman holding me. Without her, only the gods know how long I would have kept everything bottled up inside of me. With everything out of my system, a wave of refreshment and newfound strength comes over me.
“Thank you,” I whisper into her ear. “For listening to me. You don’t know just how long I’ve needed that for.”
I pull back from Cyra.
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve been all this time.”
She smiles and strokes my cheek.
“You don’t need to be sorry for anything but you need to let go of the past in order to appreciate the present. Had you not ended up at the club, we never would have met.”
“Oh Cyra…” I whisper, leaning in. “I love you.”
“I love you Lykan, more than anything I’ve ever known.”
In her kiss, I feel the weight of my troubles finally come off of me. It’s the first time in years that I feel weightless.
25
CYRA