Page 68 of Dark Deviant

I stare at her stiff back and squared shoulders, a deep sigh expelling from my chest. I don’t know how to be the guy she wants. Hell, I don’t know if I can even be that guy. Because just like Natasha and Luka, I play a role, too. And there’s no room for warm and fuzzy in my job. If I get soft, I’ll get iced.

That’s why Luka recruited me to take his place. He knew what he had to lose if he didn’t get out of the game.

And I had nothing to lose by jumping in his place.

I can’t just leave my work at the front door and live a normal life when I walk through it. I’m a trained killer. I take peoples’ lives and eliminate threats to the Malikov Bratva. It’s a lonely life, but it’s what I chose for the good of my family.

I take a long look around the tall grasses surrounding my brother’s house. Palm fronds hanging overhead flutter in the warm Biscayne Bay breeze. The sun shines bright in the blue sky, so different from the day we were supposed to bury Mom.

I didn’t think about what an ugly day it could have been for Larysa, too, aside from the fact that she almost got snatched from the funeral home. She glances at me over her shoulder. A stress knot lodges at the base of my skull, a deep, paralyzing ache assaulting my mind when I see her expression.

She knows what she wants. And I think she finally realizes I can’t give it to her.

But instead of relief flooding me, it’s regret.

Regret that I’m not the guy she thought I could be.

She was open and honest with me, and I shut her out, holding on to every reason I could find to keep her from getting too close.

Ironic that my life is my family, but I can’t get out of my own way enough to have one of my own.

Natasha opens the door, her aqua eyes glittering as she rakes them over Larysa, who never once cowers. Her lips form a tight smile, her eyes never leaving Natasha’s face.

“Luka is expecting you.” Natasha smiles at me. “And I made lots of treats, so I hope you’re hungry.”

“I’m hungry,” Daniela squeals.

Natasha leans toward her. “Do you like cookies and brownies?”

“Yes!”

Natasha lifts an eyebrow at Larysa. “Any objections?”

“Only to death threats. So if they aren’t part of the ingredient list, we should be good.”

Natasha steps back and waves her arm out so we can pass into the house. She grabs my arm when I step into the foyer. “That little girl is your identical double. I can’t get over how much she looks like you.”

“Yeah, well, I hope looks are the only thing she inherited.” I watch Larysa carry Daniela into the kitchen to sample the treats. “Anything else would be a curse, definitely not a blessing.”

“You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Your brother was like this, too, so isolated and angry all the time. Just because you support the family, doesn’t mean you have to give up living.” Natasha leans closer. “I see how you look at Larysa. And what you did the other day at the funeral home, sacrificing so much to save her. You could have let her go. It might have led you to the answers about your mom’s death. But you chose to save her instead. That says a lot to me. You can’t just ignore what’s happening between you.”

“We’re not you and Luka. This is different.”

“Is it? You obviously have feelings for her and the baby.”

“It doesn’t matter how I feel. She knows I’m not the guy she needs, and let’s face it, what the hell do I know about being a father? What can I teach Daniela? How to fire an AK-47? How to gut a person? How to cut someone’s jugular?”

“My God, I still can’t believe that she named her after you without even knowing she was doing it. If that isn’t the biggest sign in the world.” Natasha smiles. “And for the record, you’ve got other gifts. You could teach her how to ice skate, how to play hockey.”

“Sure, just rub more salt in that wound.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. You got dealt a suck ass hand, we all know it. But you can still skate your ass off and you still love it. Why not share that part of your life with your daughter?”

“Who even knows how long this will last? It’s not like any of this was even planned. What the hell kind of a future can there be? I kidnapped her. Our families are enemies. What kind of life would that be for anyone, especially the baby?”

“Things happen in our lives and sometimes, you need to just trust in fate and go with it. Don’t give me an excuse that you don’t know how to be a dad. Nobody knows how to parent. You learn as you go. Same thing with relationships. But you won’t learn a damn thing unless you open yourself up to the possibility that you can have what I know you want. And deep down, you know you want it, too.”

“Luka gave up his job so he could have the family he wanted. Now he’s got you and a baby on the way. He put Maxim Malikov to bed forever because his priorities changed and he had a backup.”