Page 68 of Method for Matrimony

No, dipshit, the one noble thing you have to do is step the fuck up and be there for the woman carrying your child.

I ignored that voice. It sounded too much like my father even though it was fucking right.

I couldn’t step up for Fiona. Couldn’t let myself get attached to her and the baby. No way in hell I’d survive that. Losing them.

It was selfish and cowardly.

But even if I did manage to get out of my own fucking way and try to step up, I’d fuck up. Cause more damage. That, I knew. She was better off without me.

fiona

Weeks passed, and I didn’t lose the baby.

The horrendous morning sickness seemed to be waning some. I thought I’d be thankful for that, except then I convinced myself the lack of morning sickness meant something had gone wrong.

Then I’d vomit up a quesadilla and be momentarily reassured.

Then I’d find myself eating a whole packet of gummy bears, holding them down, and worrying all over again.

It was a really fun cycle.

Punctuated by Kip’s cold shoulder.

I’d gotten used to the proverbial temperature in the house as winter crept in, the cold seeping into my bones despite my really great heating system.

I’d gotten used to him having that emotionless, empty look in his eyes on the rare occasion we crossed paths. The way he would try to get out of my presence as quick as possible, not look at me, and just generally act like my existence was torture to him.

No, notmyexistence, the existence of thebaby growing inside me.

I could live with him hating me for whatever reason. That was something I’d signed up for. Sure, it would’ve been hard to adjust to after we’d spent a decent amount of time in harmony, fucking, andalmostacting like a couple. It’d hurt. But it wouldn’t settle deep down inside me and gnaw at my insides like this was.

It made me hate him.

This child was something precious to me. It was becoming more and more real. It was a miracle, for fuck’s sake. And here he was hating on it because he was a big fucking coward.

So, it was probably good he all but ran in the opposite direction when I saw him, because I couldn’t completely trust myself not to stab him in the eye with a fork.

Well, I didn’t trust my stomach’s ability to deal with the gore. Otherwise, I would’ve totally stabbed him with the fork.

I still wasn’t showing, so the town as a whole didn’t know I was pregnant. It was only a matter of time. It was not lost on my regulars that my pallor had been somewhat green for the past few weeks, and there were more than a few of our retirees who had regarded me with a knowing gaze.

Thankfully, no one voiced their suspicions out loud. To my face, at least. I was sure there were various gossip pools speculating on my fertility status. This town was slightly wacky, especially when it came to any kind of romances between well-known residents. Kip’s and my nuptials had almost caused as much of a stir as Rowan and Nora. Fuck, there had been an article in the local paper about them.

Luckily no one had penned anything about us. That would’ve been a total fucking disaster. Though it would’ve served as great ‘evidence’ of our relationship for the government.

My closest circle knew, though. Both about my pregnancy and Kip’s reaction to it. And my closest circle had varying degrees of fury toward my husband. Nora muttered about it under her breath at various points in the day. Tina didn’t say a word, but when his name was mentioned, her nostrils started flaring and her face got all red. Tiffany had been filing her nails the last time I’d been at their house, speculating on how well that nail file would slice into his balls.

And, as far as I knew, Rowan wasn’t speaking to Kip. They were no longer attached at the hip as they had been for as long as I could remember. They didn’t come into the café together. Kip rarely came in period. When he did, I knew it was strictly for appearances. He’d sometimes lean in to kiss my cheek, and I’d have to stop myself from flinching away from his touch.

He didn’t look me in the eye, didn’t joke with anyone like he used to, and pretended Tina and Nora weren’t staring daggers at him before he all but ran out clutching a coffee that was likely bitter and burnt.

When I went to Nora and Rowan’s for dinner… which was often—when I wasn’t there, I was at Tiffany and Tina’s—I went alone, and Rowan was all broody and spoke in clipped tones whenever the subject of Kip was even broached. But he was kind and gentle with me. It hurt, seeing his ability to be like that with me, his wife, and his daughter. He’d been deployed with Kip, had seen some gnarly shit, I bet, yet his humanity hadn’t been filed away, ground down to nothing.

When I wasn’t at either of my friends’ houses, Calliope was at my place. She was quickly becoming another one of my best friends. Because of my history, my doctor had me coming in for a bunch of visits, each as stress inducing as the last. Each ending in good news and a respite from the worry… for a few days, at least. If Nora couldn’t come to those appointments, Calliope was there.

I wanted to be able to go on my own. Fuck, I’d broken things off with an abusive and powerful man, moved across the world with no support, had survived all these years on my own—I should be able to go to a fucking doctor’s appointment by myself.

But I couldn’t.

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