Page 87 of The Payback

“Because of what we did in the car. And in the gym. And what I imagine doing to you every time we share the same air. You’re married, Ellie. And as much as you’re mine, you’re his more.”

She tilts her head to the side, and I drag a hand over my face.

“You’remarried, Ellie,” I repeat. “I know you’ll say it’s just for the assignment. But you have a legal and binding document. You were wed in a church before witnesses and God. Fuck, I was one of those witnesses. I know the sanctity of marriage, and I’ve led you from that path—encouraged you in adultery. I don’t think I can stop, Ellie. My soul screams at me from someplace deep inside me to rip you away from him and keep you as mine.”

Ellie straightens her back, hovering over me and staring down at me like a queen commanding her most loyal knight.

“I appreciate the sentiment, Nik. I do.” She holds up a hand when I try to interrupt. I press my lips together and nod for her to continue. “But you and God do not get a say in my life and what I do with my body. I will tell you the same thing I told Dimitri. I am his... for now. This was never meant to be something that developed into the physical. There were never supposed to be feelings. But there are.”

There it is. The stark truth. She’s gone and fallen in love with him, and here I am, the loyal knight at their beck and call. Good enough to be called into battle but not enough for more.

“And I have complicated and unresolved feelings for you, too.” My breath catches as she continues. “I wish I could bury those feelings with our past. Dig a hole so deep they never have a hope of resurfacing. But riding through all of that is the betrayal I felt when I woke up alone in that hotel room to nearly a hundred missed calls from our boss.

“It is vexing to feel so many things for you, Nik. But more than anything, I want us all to feel free. However that looks. Together or apart. For a minute, a day, a week, or a month. When was the last time you felt free?”

I think back.Not since my parents were alive.

“It’s been a very long time.”

“Then that’s what we work towards. Together we can find a way out of this. After that, we’ll see what happens, but I’m making no promises to either of you.”

She hesitates, then presses a chaste kiss to my lips and picks up the flogger. Twisting it in her hands, she examines it and then slowly hands it back to me.

“I won’t judge you for using this—for giving yourself a method of reprimand when you were denied it for so long. But do this with caution, Nik, because I want you to imagine every strike on your back landing on mine.”

I wince as she studies my face.

“That feeling that just rushed through you? That is what I will feel inside every time you chastise your body. Ensure thatyouearn those marks and don’t do them on my behalf. I am at peace with my life.”

I search her eyes for evidence of a falsehood, but she is resolved. She is indeed at peace with her choices, and maybe it’s time for me to work on being at peace with mine.

“I’ll try,” I answer, not committing.

“That’s all I can ask. And if you need someone to punish you, I can think of more creative ways.” Her lips curl up in a grin, and she rakes her hands down my chest, her touch lighting me up for a different reason now.

Discarding the flogger, I pull her down, crashing my lips against hers and losing myself in her touch. Her grace.

CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREE

Eleanor

The weeks flyby at a record pace. Dimitri and Nik have been wearing body cams when they can, recording meetings, and gathering evidence while I’m in literal hell with Oksana planning a gala.

Things have settled a bit between the three of us, even though Dimitri is in the dark about Nik and me. But what are we supposed to do? Just sit down to dinner one night and go,Oh, by the way, we fucked. Two-ish years ago and then again recently? Yeah, I don’t think so. Dimitri doesn’t seem like the type to be cool with that.

But Dimitri has returned to our bedroom and sleeps beside me every night instead of on the couch or in his office. There’s still distance between us, but in the cover of night, our fingers touch, our legs brush, and having him near me makes me feel settled.

“Elsa, honestly! Where is your head this morning?” Oksana asks, staring at me from across the table, a spread of fabric swatches in the space between us.

“I’m sorry. I’m distracted today.”

“That much is obvious. Come on, out with it.” She waves her hand in alet me have itgesture, and I shrug in response.

“I just didn’t have enough coffee this morning. I’ll be fine. Sorry, what was the question?”

She gives me a sceptical look and raises a delicate brow. “You forget, I raised a daughter worse at hiding things than you are. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing. Really. I’m just tired. Dimitri got in late last night, and I shouldn’t have stayed up waiting for him.” That much is true. He and Nik were at a meeting working out a deal with a new supplier for guns—strapped with cameras, of course—and I couldn’t fall asleep until they came home. I’m opting not to read into that too much at the moment.

---