Page 72 of The Payback

“I know you’re here for work. You need to collect evidence, and Sergei is the best way. I also know you’re not as single as you once were.”

She gasps, and instead of letting her respond, I capture her lips with mine, tongues clashing, teeth bumping, and lips bruising. I don’t care that she’s moved on from me, our night, and our partnership. I haven’t, and with our chemistry, I don’t believe she’s fully moved on, either.

Wanting more of her than I’m entitled to, I slip my hand up her skirt and press my fingers between her thighs, finding the lace there wet with desire. She groans into my mouth, and I capture the sounds. I know I’ll be repeating it in my head all night long.

Her nails rake down my back, and I hiss at the pain—more than I usually would because it’s not just her nails that have scored my flesh.

“Nik, what’s wrong?” she asks, pushing at me again, and I let her go this time. I arch my back and then roll my shoulders to pull the material of my shirt away from the welts and cuts underneath.

“Nothing. You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.”

She reaches out for me, obviously knowing I’m in actual pain, but it’s not pain I don’t deserve. I flinch away, and her hands close, then open again.

“What happened? Did... Did Dimitri do something to you?” she grits out. The anger in her voice catches me off guard.

“No.”

“Don’t you lie to me, Nikita Lenkov. Not now. Not again. What the fuck happened?”

Instead of answering, I turn away from her, facing the window on my side of the car. “Nothing. Just let it go.”

She sits upright beside me as I watch the scenery go by. Millions of people in New York and my boss had to go and marry the girl I haven’t been able to get out of my head. I hate him for marrying her and making this whole situation happen. For making me feel this guilt. For making me sin.

I feel Ellie staring at me, and I cease all movement, willing to let the fabric dry to the cuts on my back if it means the questions end.

But, of course, that’s not how it goes. Quick as lightning, Ellie grips the bottom of my shirt and yanks it up to midback. She lets out a whimper when she sees the raised lines scoring my back in the daylight, the tinted windows not doing enough to block the afternoon sun from shining directly onto the penance woven into my skin.

“Oh, Nik,” she breathes, not touching me, but I feel the warmth of her hand hovering above the welts, cuts, and tattoos on my back. “What is this?”

“Which part?” I ask.

“All... All of it?”

Exhaling through my nose, I blindly extract the shirt from her grip and lower it back down. “The tattoos have been there since I got back, as you know. The rest is... indemnification.”

“Indemni—Nik, are you self-harming?” Her voice breaks, and it breaks my heart right along with it.

“Not self-harming. It’s penance, Ellie. Compensation for the things I choose to do, despite knowing better.”

She studies my face as I turn to her, letting her see the truth in my eyes. Hers brim with tears as things click into place.

“These are fresh, Nik. Both new and slightly older.”

“They are.”

“So you regretted the gym. You harmed yourself for fucking me. Nik, that’s... wow.”

She doesn’t know the half of it. She doesn’t know how I agonised over it. Over and over again, day and night. Unending in my prayer and my use of the flogger, the morning sun crested the horizon before I was satisfied I had exacted all the payment I could from my flesh.

I keep my eyes downcast, but she pulls me closer, not letting my back touch the seat as she lays me down and puts my head in her lap.

Stroking my hair, she runs her fingers through it repeatedly, not saying a word, not uttering the command that I stop what I do to myself. She simply holds me, unfailing in her constancy to be there for others, even when she isn’t there for herself.

We get closer to the penthouse, and she helps me sit back up, guiding me with a soft hand until I’m upright again.

“I won’t pretend to understand, Nik. But the next time you need to do this, I want you to come to me.”

“Ellie—”

---