Page 116 of The Payback

The feeling that rushes over me is all-consuming and unending. My trust issues aside, have these two not shown that they are trustworthy in their own way? Dimitri reaching out to put an end to the Bratva chapter is a prime example.

Dimitri hasn’t said much about what he wants to do after all of this, other than being adamant that he goes where I go. Perhaps he could simplybefor a while, letting some of the weight on his shoulders melt away until he is light as a feather. He could paint, live, and travel—see the world and experience everything he’s never been able to.

Then there’s Nik, who followed his orders so thoroughly that he lived a lie for over a decade, only leaving when his job was done. It pains me every time I think of the lashes on his back, of him punishing himself for his actions. There’s a steadfastness to Nik that doesn’t exist in many other men.

Last night, he got home and found me waiting for him on the couch at 2:00 a.m. I couldn’t sleep knowing he was out doing a job and no one would know if he came home.

Dimitri had complete faith in Nik, and when his yawns grew, I sent him upstairs, telling him I would stay up and wait. He tried to lure me to bed, but I was too restless and concerned to contemplate sleeping.

Nik arrived home, dressed in a T-shirt and jeans—but still wearing his dress shoes for some reason—kissed me on the forehead and brought me upstairs.

I slept in Nik’s bed last night, and while that room holds memories of his pain and mine, it was easy to relax as he held me. His head was on my chest, my arms around his shoulders, holding him as he prayed. But the important thing is, he didn’t punish himself for whatever he’d done that night, and I did the only thing I could. I told him I was there to listen should he ever need it.

In that moment, between waking and sleeping, I realised I had forgiven Nik.

Sure, I’d considered it before, noting how thoroughly he had punished himself. I knew nothing I did now would even register.

And last night, the last of my anger washed away—taking my need for payback with it.

The man in question turns his head towards the staircase and finds me lingering on the bottom steps, staring at the two of them. “What are you thinking about so hard, Ellie?” he asks, concern knitted across his brows. His dark hair rests on his forehead, some of it covering his eye.

My throat’s a little choked up just thinking about how much they mean to me. He curls his finger, beckoning me closer.

“Love,” I say as I step forward. “The forms that it takes and how we show it. And how it comes barrelling into your life most unexpectedly.”

Nik looks over at Dimitri, clearly not knowing where I’m going with all of this. Knowing Nik, he probably assumes I’ve got a head injury and have confused the two of them. I wish he could see what I see in him—what he’s allowed me to see over the past few months when he drops his guard.

“Not him,” I say. “Well, not just him.”

Dimitri smiles, letting me get it out and giving me the floor to tell Nik how I feel. Surprisingly, he doesn’t interject or command my attention as usual. But after Nik and Dimitri hashed out their past in the car, a sense of camaraderie has sprung up between them.

Nik’s head whips back around in my direction, his eyes wide and vulnerable. A small smile grazes his lips but turns into a frown.

“Don’t,” I warn.

I know he’s taking it all in and rejecting it because he doesn’t think he deserves me or our daughter. If I’m being honest, maybe he doesn’t. I’ve had girlfriends and colleagues who left their husbands for less, taking the children with them.

But Nik? Nik deserves to be loved for who he is. The broken and the whole pieces, even if they don’t quite fit together anymore, I want to be the glue that holds it all together. I want to embrace who he is, jagged edges and all—to soothe the hurts, ease his pain, and take some of his burdens onto my shoulders.

Because isn’t that what you do for someone you love? Aren’t those the feelings that grow deep in your chest—their roots digging deep and taking hold, never letting go?

“Ellie?” he breathes.

“I love you, Nikita Lenkov. All of you. The good, the angry, the anguished, the jokester, and every part in between.”

Then I turn towards Dimitri. Even though we’ve exchanged the words, it’s vital that they are equal in this moment because they are equal in my heart. And I will not start this all off with an imbalance between us.

As Oksana says,Start how you wish to continue.

“I love you, too, Dimitri Aslanov. You, my dear, were wholly unexpected. And from what I’d read about you before we met, I was pretty sure I would hate you from the first moment. But your determination and your need to see things righted, your constancy... You’re a man I am proud to have at my side.”

They never waver, keeping their eyes on me as mine ping between them. “I’m proud to havebothof you at my side. I know it’s quick and unethical, and unorthodox. But I want you both. Now, today, and in the future. I don’t know how that’s going to look. I don’t know how we’ll work anything out, especially when the two of you have a grudge you’re in the middle of getting yourselves over. But that’s what I want.” Shrugging, I fold my hands in front of me, feeling like I can breathe easier now that it’s all out in the open. “I’m playing this all by ear, and for the first time in my life, I don’t have a goddamned plan, and that scares the crap out of me. I think that’s something we’ll have to discover together. That is... if you’re both in?”

Dimitri stands, discarding his empty glass on the table. He reaches for me and cups my face with his hands. It’s so contradictory to the first real touch he gave me in the lift on our first night, where he gripped my throat and held me at his mercy.

At this moment, he is atmymercy; he touches me withmyconsent and with such reverence that my heart is bursting—too full to contain everything I feel.

“I love you, too, Eleanor. I will stand at your side and love you and your daughter as if she were my own.” He rubs his thumb gently along my cheek, and I lean into his touch, smiling.

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