Page 43 of One Night in My Rival's Bed

‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘We had a little fling but it’s over now.’

‘Over?’ Niamh and Ethan spoke in unison.

Grayson said nothing, showed nothing. It was like someone had poured invisible concrete over him, freezing him in place.

‘Yes, over, but we’re friends,’ I said. ‘And we’re both looking forward to being uncle and auntie to your baby.’

Some other guests came over to speak to the bride and groom and I was immensely glad of the chance to escape. But I had only got as far as the lychgate when I felt a strong hand come down on my arm.

‘Wait. I want to talk to you.’

I turned to look up at Grayson’s frowning features. ‘What’s there to talk about? You’ve made it perfectly clear you see no future for us.’

He let out a breath and a curse word at the same time. ‘We agreed on a fling.’

‘Yes, and now it’s over.’

‘But I don’t want it to be over.’ The words seemed to be forced out of him, as if he had not wanted to admit his continued desire for me.

I shook his hand off my arm. ‘It has to be over, Grayson. You know it does. I’m getting too involved with you. I don’t want to get hurt.’

‘How will I hurt you?’

I gave a sad smile. ‘By not loving me.’

His brows snapped together, and his expression became guarded. ‘Are you saying you love me?’

I so wanted to deny it. I could taste the word ‘no’ on the tip of my tongue. It was teetering there like a skier at the top of a steep run, poised, waiting to fly down. But I couldn’t say it. I was tired of pretending. Tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I had done it for years, fashioning myself into a person I could barely recognise as myself any more. It was time to be honest about what I wanted, what I hoped for, what I deserved but had denied myself out of guilt.

‘Yes, I do love you. I know we agreed to keep our feelings out of it, but I couldn’t do it. You made it so hard for me by being everything I didn’t even know I wanted in a partner. I started to realise I wanted what Niamh has. Someone to love her and be with her through whatever life dishes out. All this time, I’ve been thinking she was too immature, too inexperienced to handle marriage, but it’s me that needed to grow up. Continuing our fling when there’s no possibility of it ever being anything but a fling would be wrong for me on so many levels.’

Grayson’s expression underwent a series of changes as I spoke. Shock. Distress. A flicker of anger. A stiffening of his features that looked like a drawbridge was being pulled up inside him. ‘So, that’s it? You want to end it?’

‘It’s for the best.’

‘Do I get a say in this?’

I swallowed a thickness in my throat. ‘Sure, but nothing you say will change my mind. Unless you were to say you love me and want a future with me. A future that included marriage and hopefully kids one day.’

‘I’ve never wanted those things with anyone.’

‘I know. You were nothing if not brutally honest with me.’

‘Then why did you fall in love with me?’

I gave a frustrated laugh that wasn’t really a laugh. ‘Because you have so much to offer. You’re a good person, Grayson. A strong and capable person who takes his responsibilities seriously. Everything you do, you do to a high standard. And no one has ever made me feel the way you do physically. I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it’s a pretty good barometer. But physical chemistry isn’t enough. You won’t allow yourself to love anyone because of what happened to Ethan. Guilt has tortured you as it has tortured me. But I’m not going to live my life under that dark cloud, pretending I don’t want the things I really do want. I want the fairy tale that you don’t even believe in, even when it’s right in front of you.’

He paced back and forth until I was sure he was going to wear out the grass beneath his feet. His agitation was palpable, it made the atmosphere crackle like an approaching storm.

He suddenly stopped pacing and his eyes cut to mine, his mouth pulled tight. ‘This is not how I saw us ending.’

‘I know, because you’re the one who’s usually in control of your flings. Doesn’t that tell you something? You need to be in control because it’s too threatening to give others the power to hurt you.’

‘You haven’t hurt me. You’ve surprised me.’

I folded my arms across my middle. I was so tempted to cave in and go back to him. Every cell of my body was drawn to him as if pulled by an invisible force. But I had to be strong. I had to summon every bit of willpower in order to complete my journey as a fully evolved human being. No more self-denial. No more pretending. No more bending myself out of shape to be someone I was not destined to be.

‘I really want us to be friends, Grayson. There are other people who will get hurt if we’re not.’

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