Page 45 of Ripped

Most importantly, they’re supportive of me dating someone new and that was what had me up all night. I’ve gotten their blessing and now I’m at Roger’s plot looking for… permission, absolution, something.

I’m afraid I won’t find what I’m looking for. The fear sits in the middle of my chest, its talons sunk deep into me. I’ve lived with this grief for so long, it’s become a part of me. I don’t know how to let it go or who I am without it.

But I don’t want to move forward with Connor still carrying this soul-deep sense of loss. He doesn’t deserve to have this heavy mantle sitting on top of the relationship we’re trying to build. It’ll be doomed before it even starts if I don’t do something about it now.

So I’m here, heart in my throat, gut sickeningly empty, knowing that it’s all up to me, but not sure if I’m strong enough to do it.

I hang back to let Phyllis and Leonard approach Roger’s headstone by themselves. He has his arm around her and she leans her head on his shoulder. It’s beautiful seeing them stand there, side-by-side, after so many years together. It’s heartbreaking that they’re standing in front of their son’s grave.

I send up a silent promise to Roger. I’ll take care of them. For the rest of their lives, no matter what happens, I’ll be there for them the way you would’ve been. The promise sinks into me, into that deep, dark place, and wedges itself between the boulders I’ve collected there. It’s pushing them apart, jimmying them loose.

Phyllis and Leonard pull away from each other and turn to me. Leonard’s sniffling. Phyllis is wiping her cheeks. They’re both smiling at me.

“Come here, Donnie.” Phyllis waves me over.

I come crashing back into my body in that moment. Blood rushes past my ears as my heart hammers against my ribs. My guts are twisted into knots so tight it’s almost physically painful. The fear is squeezing my chest until I can’t breathe.

Phyllis drags me forward and they sandwich me between them. I bend stiffly to set my flowers next to theirs and when I stand up, they both take each of my hands. We form a little circle with Roger’s headstone taking up the fourth side.

“We’re family,” Phyllis says, giving my hand a little shake by our sides. “Me and Leonard and Roger and you. Nothing’s ever going to change that.”

I nod, trying to hold off the tears for as long as I can.

“Roger loved you so much. And we do too. He would never want you to be alone for the rest of your life, Donnie. And we don’t either.”

The tears come, hot and fast, and I let them run down my face and land on the grass at my feet.

“He would want you to be happy, to love again, to have all the things you had with him.”

Every word Phyllis speaks is a wrecking ball against the mountain of rocks I’ve built inside, on top of, and around me. Fractures are forming in the barrier I’ve constructed to keep myself safe. It hurts. Oh god, it hurts, but I can’t go back anymore. I can’t keep living under this burden. I can only move forward.

“This Connor? Your Connor?” Phyllis keeps going. “He sounds really wonderful, my dear.”

Another swing of the wrecking ball, and another crack ruptures through me. It’s in a spot that’s already been weakened by bits of Connor that have worked their way into me over the past few weeks. They’re all over the place, I realize.

Every laugh, every smile. Every time we’ve teased each other and every time we’ve come together in bed. They’re all little seeds that have wound deeper and deeper into me in preparation for this moment.

“I hope we get to meet him soon. I need to make sure he’s good enough for my son.” Phyllis nudges me with her elbow and something that’s halfway between a laugh and a sob bursts out of me.

She pulls me into a fierce hug. “We love you, Donnie. We want only the best for you.”

“I love you too,” I say through my tears.

Phyllis steps away and Leonard takes her place. He gives me a couple strong slaps on the back and murmurs his own, “I love you.”

A drop of water lands on the side of my face as he lets me go. Thunder rumbles low and menacing across the sky. The clouds have gotten darker, casting everything in shadow.

“You should go,” I say, moving Phyllis into Leonard’s arms. None of us have umbrellas. “You don’t want to get caught in the rain.”

“You’re not coming?” Phyllis asks.

I shake my head and manage to give her a genuine smile. “I need a few more minutes on my own. You go ahead. Have a safe drive home.”

They turn toward their car and I wait until they’ve climbed inside.

A drop of rain lands on my nose, then another on Roger’s headstone, turning the dusty gray almost black. I crouch down so I’m level with the engraving and trace my fingers along Roger’s name.

“I miss you. So much.”

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