Page 47 of Two Sticky Nuts

“The man in theGuinness Bookwho has the world’s longest cock?”

“Even better.”

“I give up? Who?”

“Beau Masters,” she says.

“Beau Masters. The richest man on earth?” I ask.

“Yep. And in case you’re wondering, he’s way hotter in person.”

“Of course he is,” I say drably. “Did he ask you to marry him on the spot?”

“No.”

Finally. Something didn’t turn into a windfall for her.

“But he did ask me out.”

Fuck my life.I meet a guy, and he turns out to be a schizoid swindler. She plows into a Bentley, and it turns out to be the world’s most eligible bachelor, Beau Masters. He’s the kind of hot that comes from being able do whatever the fuck he wants. He’s just that rich. “I hope he’s a complete jackass and farts nonstop.”

Sofie laughs. “Thanks, but I turned him down.”

“What? Why?”

“He’s not my type.”

“Okay. Rich. Powerful. Incredibly smart and industrious. Good-looking. I can see why you’re not into that.”

“He’s just not…real. Yanno? He’s an image, a company, an empire. He’s an institution. I want a man, not a brand.”

I shrug. “Okay, well, feel free to pass him my way, then. Just let him know my dating résumé includes Mr. Sticky Nuts. That should impress him.”

“Any man would be impressed by those nuts.”

I laugh, but Sofie also gets me thinking. “You know? That’s the one thing I still don’t understand. How does this side hustle fit into Carter’s grand plan? I mean, if the cinematic world found out he makes his ding dong into a Ding Dong for money, he’d be laughed at.”

“Didn’t you say he won an award for filming a tomato?” she asks. “Clearly the man doesn’t give two fucks what anyone thinks about him. Or, should I say, he’s willing to put it all out there. Let it all hang out. Balls to the wa—”

“Okay. I got it. But, yeah, I guess you’re right. He’s willing to go pretty far for his craft.” And if he can raise money doing fetish porn, why not? A crazy asshole like Carter probably thinks it’s a tribute to his dedication to the craft.

“Hey, I gotta go, Mila. But I’ll come over tomorrow. We can watch the fallout together online right as I post.”

“Ooh. I’ll make popcorn.”

“I’ll bring some chocolate-covered almonds. We can crunch on them while we watch Carter’s world crumble.”

I like it. “See you then.”

That night, I dream of being chased by Carter and two ten-foot-tall coconuts. He yells, “Touch my nuts, Mila! Pet them, woman! Now!” as he rolls them after me through fields of giant candy corns. Then I see Logan waiting for me at the other end of the field. He’s in his suit, looking perfectly sexy and confident. “Hurry, Mila. Come with me. We need to start our life together.” Then I stop and look at him as he evaporates like a wisp of steam. I turn my head just as Carter runs me over with one of his big, hairy, brown testicles.

I wake covered in sweat. The dream felt so real that I sniff my hands and arms for ball sweat.

Crap. I need to get on with my life.I need Carter gone. Today, I’m serving up justice; then I’m never looking back.

And starting tomorrow, I’m looking for a new job. I’ve always wanted to run my own business, but the question has always been, which business? I want to travel. I want to see the world, but this dream of my pretty little house is equally strong. I want a home, a place all my own. I want a business that serves a purpose and doesn’t just make money. If I knew what that was, I’d get my ass in gear. But until I figure that out, I need to broaden my horizons and add more tools to my box. At the moment, I’ve just been meeting tools.

Today, everything changes. Because it’s time for me to face the truth: I’m never going to be Sofie. Here on out, I have to start making my own luck.

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