Page 41 of Diamond Angel

“And you love him because…?”

I grab the salt and pepper shaker set in the middle of the table and start playing with them. They’re ceramic figurines, designed to look like two people hugging. I start pulling them apart and then clicking them back together just so I can do something with my hands. In my head, I sing-song in a childish little voice,He loves me… He loves me not… You love him… You love him not…as the figures click and clack, running toward each other and away from each other again and again.

“Let me guess,” Callan says when I don’t answer his question right away. “‘It’s complicated’?”

I look up at him. The hurt in his eyes is obvious. I can’t say that I blame him. He put in the time and effort. He was more patient with me than any other man would have been.

I owe him something more than this.

“I met him at a time in my life when I was trying to find myself,” I explain haltingly. “Purely by chance. I was trying to find a little independence, a little bravery. I felt like I was screaming, and no one could hear me. But…he did.”

“He did.”

I nod. “Then, a few months later, I discovered he was engaged to my sister.”

His eyes widen. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” I say with a grim nod. “My words exactly.”

“And your sister…?”

“Had no clue—hasno clue—that he and I, you know… What happened between us happened before she and Ilarion got together. And he didn’t even know she was my sister, or vice versa. So I thought that telling her would be cruel.”

“Except that you still love him, and clearly, he feels the same.” Callan leans back in his seat and blows out a shocked breath. “Honestly, Taylor, it seems to me that, given those circumstances,nottelling her is crueler.”

Guilt chips at the knot in my gut.What is it today with people and honesty?Better question:What’s with me and lying?

“Haven’t you ever kept a secret to protect someone?” I protest.

“Never one this big,” he says with a slow shake of his head. “In my experience, those secrets are never worth keeping, no matter what.” He must see the angst on my face, because he leans forward sympathetically. “Sorry. I know it’s not for me to try to tell you how to live your life. I just…I care about you, Taylor.”

My stomach twists with guilt. “I know. And I’m so sorry about…shit, about everything.”

He shrugs and leans back against his seat. “The truth is, I knew from the beginning that your heart wasn’t really in it. I mean, it took you months to say yes to a date with me. You ducked the first time I tried to kiss you. The second time, you acted like you were forced to take a bullet.”

“That’s not true!”

He smiles patiently at me. “Come on. We’ve been seeing each other for over six months now, and we haven’t even slept together. Not that that’s required, but…we haven’t even come remotely close.”

I close my eyes. “So why did you stick around for as long as you did?”

“Because I was hoping to break through your walls. I was hoping you’d fall in love with me, eventually. ” His smile softens. “You’re worth the wait.”

Did he just use the ‘L’ word? Fuck.“I’m sorry, Callan. I haven’t treated you very well.”

He chuckles. “I’m a big boy. I’ll survive.” And then he cocks his head to one side. “Besides—I get it. What brought him back to you. It’s not easy to lose you, and I barely had you to begin with. I can only imagine what that guy’s been through all these years.”

I reach out and take his hand. Callan is a good guy. He’s handsome, thoughtful, and sweet. But he’s right: he never stood a chance. It makes me question whether my decision to go back is the right one. It’s been hard enough getting through the day when I didn’t see Ilarion all the time. But now…?

Now, not only will I have to see him a lot—I’ll have to pretend that seeing him isn’t my own personal hell.

“You don’t have to stay,” Callan offers. “I’m just gonna get something to eat and go home myself.”

“Right. Yeah. Okay. I do have a lot of packing to do.”

“Packing?”

“We’re moving,” I explain. “Tomorrow.”

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