Page 105 of The Lessons

I took a deep breath. “Nothing. I mean, he just—he’s not interested, okay?” Ha—that was an understatement. I mean,clearly,he wasn’t interested. How could he be if he had a girlfriend and had gotten her pregnant? God, I felt like such a fool.

“Did he do something to you?” Josh’s voice had a protective edge to it.

“No, no, nothing like that.” I sighed and flung myself back on my bed. I was so tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of hiding. Tired of lying. I mean, this was my best friend. If I couldn’t lean on him now, then what was the point? “Do you have some time to talk?”

Over the next hour, I proceeded to tell Josh everything. About my plan. About the real reason behind the move. About my appointments and, of course, about Ryan. And Josh listened patiently as I took him through the twists and turns, through the meetings with Lisa, the incident in the elevator, and the soccer game. It was strange; it was almost like saying everything over the phone made things easier. Maybe because I didn’t have to watch his reaction. It felt like church confessional or something. And as I explained everything, I felt relief, but also nervousness. What would Josh think of this?

Of me?

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long. Josh jumped right in as soon as I finished.

“LeeLee, babe, okay. So many things. First of all, I had no idea.Girl,you know I would have done you.”

I snorted. Of course he would start with that. “Ew. Josh, no. Thank you for offering, but my ego is way too fragile. I would have died knowing you weren’t actually into it.”

“But I still would have. Seriously.”

“Thanks?”

“Okay, point two, I had no idea these surrogate agencies existed. Do they need employees? Do you think they’d take an ex-lawyer?”

“Josh!”

“Kidding. Relax. Did you forget my mom and grandmother are both psychologists? We’re big into therapy so…no judgment from me. I think it was actually sort of a clever solution on your part. Although I honestly had no idea you were still a virgin. I totally thought you had lost it in high school.”

I chuckled. “What? Really?”

“For sure. You’re hot, Nat. Plus, you kept trying to undo my belt when we’d make out. I totally thought you were more experienced than me. Guess you were just trying to use me for my dick.”

“Hey.”

“It’s cool. Turns out, I do have a great dick, so you probably were sensing that.”

“How did this turn into a conversation about your penis? I thought we were talking about me.”

“Right, right. Sorry. So, you’ve been stewing about this, huh?”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “Yeah.”

“Well, I’m glad you told me. Because I think I can provide some perspective. I’ll be honest, Natalie. I love you, but are you sure you’re not just searching for a reason to keep him at arm’s length? You tend to do that, you know.”

“What? Do not.”

“Babe, we’ve been friends for how long? And you only now literally told me the truth about this huge thing. Even when we were together, I swear, there was always a part of you that was closed off.”

“Really?” I asked even though, deep down, I knew it was true.

“For sure. So, I think you need to take a pause and think about this before you totally forget about him.”

I frowned. “What? No. Josh, I told you, he lied to me.”

“I’m not so sure about that. You said he said it wasn’t true.”

“That was just in the moment. Because I was mad.”

Josh paused. “I don’t know. That doesn’t add up to me. Besides, the chemistry you two had?Well, I know I don’t have to tell you that it doesn’t come around that often. You weren’t imagining it. I saw it, babycakes. It was real.”

I bit my lip and looked up at the ceiling, thanking God he couldn’t see my face.

---