Page 9 of The Lessons

“Yes. We selected him based on the questionnaire you filled out. However, it’s important to remember that while we try to connect you with someone you’d find physically attractive, surrogates aren’t meant to be a perfect match. You might even find yours somewhat off-putting at first. That’s why we’ll ease you into your relationship with him. Only after mutual trust has been built will any of the physical work start.”

“That’s fine,” I said. It was. He did not need to be an Adonis. A pre-screened, disease-free surrogate with a penis would do the job well enough.

“And Natalie, just a gentle reminder that we ask that you refrain from any outside sexual partners while you are in therapy, for the safety of the surrogate.”

I chuckled. “Of course. I don’t think you’ll have that problem with me. ”

Dr. Lerner smiled gently. “You’d be surprised. Our surrogates are very skilled, and sometimes they’re able to unlock years of pent-up sexuality, but thank you again for your assurance.” She glanced at her watch. “He’ll actually be here in a little while, and we’ll go over more of the logistics then.

“He’s coming?” My mouth ran dry, and I took another swig from my water bottle. I wasn’t expecting to meet the surrogate today. I mean, I hadn’t even shaved my legs. I shifted in my seat as I tried to feel what underwear I’d put on that morning. I was pretty sure it was some gray hipsters… Not horrible, but definitely not my best effort.Crap.

“Don’t worry. We’ll just be talking. The work won’t start until your session with him.”

“Oh, o-kay,” I said, relieved, as she continued.

“I also wanted to double-check that you were able to get on the pill?”

I swallowed again and nodded. “Yep, all set. I have a full prescription.”

“That’s great, real great. Now, we’ve talked a bit about what you’d like to accomplish during your time with us.” She held up her notes and flipped a couple of pages before reading. “You said that you had poor experiences with intimacy as a teenager, correct?”

This was the moment. ‘Go time,’ as they say. Time to win an Oscar with my carefully rehearsed explanation. Or lie. Whatever.

I cleared my throat. “Yes. I had a couple of early experiences that didn’t go so well. Over time, it’s prevented me from being able to be intimate with a man.”

Yes, okay, it was clearly a lie. I had no early experiences. Zero. But I’d done my Internet research, and those ‘early experiences’ seemed like a vague, yet watertight, alibi. Lots of people had them.

“And this is making it difficult for you to maintain relationships, as well as consummate them?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me a little more?”

I took a deep breath, ready to give my rehearsed speech. “Well, I guess with my first boyfriend—I was fourteen?he…well, he just wasn’t a nice guy. We’d be making out or whatever, and suddenly, it was a like a switch would flip, and he’d start screaming and yelling at me.” I looked over at Dr. Lerner, trying to gauge her reaction.

I thought my story was pretty good, but she didn’t flinch. Instead, she just nodded and continued to write in her notebook. “What else?”

“Well, then there was my boyfriend when I was eighteen. He wouldn’t touch me at all, as punishment for pissing him off. After a while, even when I didn’t do anything wrong, he kept cutting me off. It made me very confused. Then one day I broke up with him, and…”

“And what?” Dr. Lerner looked up at me expectantly.

I could have ended that sentence with a number of horrible sexual acts, things that would have elicited at least a flash behind her trained, clinical eyes. Lord knows I’d dreamed up a number of options, each more depraved than the next. But I couldn’t do it. Even I knew that lying about rape and abuse was wrong. The funny thing, though, was that I ended up telling a kind of half-truth.

“I haven’t been able to be with anyone since.”

She nodded ever so slightly as she jotted down notes. I adjusted my posture on the couch.She’d bought it.Thank God. I exhaled.

“What about love? Have you ever been in love?” She looked back up at me, cocking her head to the side.

I blinked and inhaled sharply. I hadn’t prepped for this question. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what kind of answer would get her to sign off on this whole farce. What did being in love have to do with this? Plenty of people around the world had sex every day without being in love. Jeez, the last thing I wanted was to bring emotion into what, for me, was essentially a business transaction. I smoothed the fabric covering my legs and looked up at her. “Uh, I don’t see how that is relevant.”

Dr. Lerner’s eyes softened. “Oh, it’s entirely relevant, Natalie. For two reasons. It will help direct what we do in here. Ninety-nine percent of the time there’s an emotional component to this work. Doing this— It’s not just physical.”

Yeah, yeah. That’d be true for most people, but you don’t know me.I’d been emotionally dead for years. I blamed foster care. By now, however, my cool response had become a point of pride for me. No one could make me feel anything I wasn’t willing to feel. Of course, I didn’t say that, so the doctor continued.

“Plus, it’s helpful to know if you’d be able to recognize feelings of love. Working with a surrogate can sometimes elicit emotions, emotions that—for the unprepared—can be overwhelming. It’s critical the pair don’t develop feelings for each other, and that's why it’s helpful if the patient knows what love or lust feels like. Then if those emotions come forth with the surrogate, we can identify them early enough and take appropriate countermeasures.”

“Oh,” I said, hoping my response was calm enough to mask the surge of excitement I now felt in my belly. Had she realized she’d basically told me what she wanted to hear? Giving her the right answer now was going to be easy. “Yes, I’ve been in love. With the boyfriend when I was eighteen.” I grimaced for dramatic effect. “It was great. Until the end. Then it hurt like hell.”

---