Page 16 of The Lessons

“The bed’s back here,” he said, reading my mind as he closed a set of doors that connected the office to a back room. “But we won’t be using it today.”

We won’t?I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t confused. I was so eager to cross this off my list. Ready to get back to a normal kind of life—the kind of life I’d been putting off for too long. Despite how attractive Ryan was, I was still hoping to get this whole thing done in a session or two. I wasn’t keen on stretching it out much farther. Besides, I had primed carefully for today. I mean, Lord Almighty, I hadwaxed.

By the way, they tell you waxing stings, right? Well, they lie. Because it doesn’t just sting. Holy hell—when Maria pulled off that first strip, I thought, “That’s it. She tore off my vagina. There isn’t anything left to have sex with. My surrogate will just have to rub his dick up against the bleeding sashimi of what used to be my ladyparts.”

I’m sure you can understand how thrilled I was to find my labia still attached when I got home later and checked. But my point is: I had prepped for this appointment. I’d buffed and polished myself to magazine standards. Heck, I’d even bought a new set of underthings—nothing from the racy Heaven Sent catalog, but rather a carefully curated selection of modest yet sophisticated gray cotton underwear. I was prepared and ready to go, and now I was being given the sartorial equivalent of blue balls.

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“We need to get to know each other first. Talk about goals, and then we’ll do some body consciousness exercises.”

I furrowed my brow. My labia did too.

“I’ll explain later.” He rubbed his palms together and looked around the room. “Shall we get started?”

Boy, he was doing a real good job of pretending he’d never hit on me, wasn’t he? He was like a whole other person. Not cold exactly but… clinical. I didn’t much care for it, but I was willing to go along if that’s what it took to get this over with.

“Come,” he said as he lowered himself down onto one end of the leather sofa and then grabbed a notebook off the side table. “Sit with me. Did you find the place okay?”

I chose the opposite end and sat down.Fine. You know what, Ryan?Two can play at this game. Little did he know he was sparring with the ice queen. He wanted to play it cool? I’d show him cool. I fuckinginventedcool.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” I replied and immediately regretted it. I sounded like an officially licensed bitch.Shit.I closed my eyes and took a breath.

He took it in stride. “It’s okay to be nervous.”

“I’m not.” I frowned. Maybe this was old hat to him, but for me, this was a big deal. “Sorry. I’m just anxious to get on with this. We can skip the small talk.” I offered a weak smile.

He chuckled as he shook his head. “Well, okay, then. But don’t worry about being anxious. It’s understandable. However, before weget on with it, we first need to establish some ground rules.”

Dr. Lerner had mentioned this. I knew the basics. “Yes, fine. Go ahead.”

“Well, first, neither of us are to sleep with anyone else during your treatment. I know it’s not the sexiest rule to start with, but it is the most important. We’re both disease-free right now, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

He was so serious, I felt like I was at a doctor appointment. “Are you a doctor?” I don’t know why the question hadn’t occurred to me until now. Had Dr. Lerner introduced him as Dr. Andrews? I couldn’t remember.

Ryan visibly stiffened. “No. Not yet. I’m in school for my Ph.D., which brings me to rule number two. It’s important we limit our personal conversations.”

Geez.I suddenly felt like I’d been scolded. I bit my tongue as my jaw tensed. I hoped this was simply one of his pre-made speeches. I had a good track record of cutting off people who even hinted at behavior like this and found it incredibly frustrating that I couldn’t do that now.

“Fine.”

“I also have one request,” he continued, “in addition to the rules.”

I kept my jaw locked and raised my eyebrows at him expectantly.

“It’s what we talked about before, actually. Honesty. We need to be honest with each other. What we are going to be doing in here may feel uncomfortable at times; it’s going to test your limits. I need you to commit to being real with me—about how you are feeling and how things are working.” He closed his notebook. “Does that make sense?”

I nodded, dying a bit inside. He was bringing up honesty again, and I couldn’t help feeling guilty about my motivations.

“Natalie, I need verbal confirmation.”

“Yes, fine. Honesty. Got it,” I acquiesced. I couldn’t believe I’d ever found this guy so attractive. I mean, yes. Physically, he was amazing, but he was driving me mad with this charade. Ugh.Whatever.I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. “Does that apply to you, too?”

“Does what apply?”

“Honesty.”

He regarded me carefully.

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