Page 58 of Until the Ribbon Breaks

Why can’t I feel her words? I hear them, and they should bring me so much joy, but I can’tfeelthem. It’s as if I’m being punished for some sin I don’t remember committing and am being held hostage from any semblance of happiness.

“But you sent me here when I begged you not to.”

“I was scared,” she stresses. “The things in that notebook terrified me. You can’t imagine the fear a mother feels when her child is in danger.”

“But Iwasn’tin danger.”

She looks down at my wrist as if to punctuate her point, and I pull my hand out of hers “This is different.”

“I can’t risk losing you, but I’m not equipped to help you.”

“You didn’t even try talking to me. You just threw me away.”

“No, honey. That wasn’t it at all.”

“But it was. Everyone made this decision behind my back. You blindsided me.”

“If I could interject,” Dr. Amberg says and then waits until we turn our attention to him. “Both of you have suffered a lot of trauma. Harlow, your mother and I have talked about the effects your first attempt has had on her. That event was frightening and, as a result, she’s easily triggered and errs on the side of caution.”

“It’s my job to protect you.”

“Then why does it feel like you’re just protecting yourself?”

“Protectingmyself?”

“From Dad. From him finding out about your affair.”

Nervously, she glances at Dr. Amberg before coming back to me. “Harlow, do you really think that I would commit you to a psychiatric treatment center to keep you quiet?” She enunciates every syllable of every word, shocked that I could make such an accusation, but that’s exactly how it felt. “You are—” She chokes up and takes my hand back in hers before continuing. “You are the love of my life. Everything else in this world comes second to my children.”

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep my chin from quivering, but I can’t hold on when I blurt, “Then why are you cheating on Dad, knowing that it’s going to rip us all apart?”

Dropping her head, she begins crying again.

“Why would you do that to us?”

“I’m not perfect.” She looks at me with streams running down her face. “I messed up.”

“Does he know? Have you told him?”

“Yes. He knows.”

I suck in a fearful breath, wondering how all of this has played out at home. “Is he gone?”

Shaking her head, she tells me, “No. He’s still home.”

“Are you getting a divorce?”

“It isn’t what either of us want, so we are doing what we can to repair the damage I’ve done to us—to all of us.”

A huge sense of relief sweeps through me.

“But right now, you are our main priority. Getting you healthy enough to come home.

She washes away in a swirl of colors as my eyes flood and spill over.

“That’s everyone’s goal here,” Dr. Amberg says. “Our hands are being held out, Harlow, but it’s up to you to grab them and allow us to help you.”

“What if I’m beyond help?”

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