Page 142 of Until the Ribbon Breaks

Our eyes tether, but it isn’t enough. His words fall short when they fail to touch any of my senses, so I kiss him. When his lips move with mine, I become needy because I’m sinking.

And sinking.

“Hey.” He’s breathless when he pulls away. “Talk to me.”

He’s the only person I trust, and I’m scared not to be honest when I’m crying for help on the inside. “I’m struggling to feel things.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know.” My eyes fall shut, and I lean into him. “I’ve gone numb, and you’re the only person I can connect to, but ...”

“What can I do?”

I peer into his eyes, asking, “Do you have a condom?” The fact that I’m not flamed with embarrassment shows just how far I’ve slipped away from myself.

Sebastian, however, is shocked, but I don’t care. I need a miracle. I’m freefalling and terrified, and if anyone will be able to catch me, it’ll be him.

“What do you—I mean, are you ...”

He stammers over his words, unsure of how to respond, so I simply ask again. “Do you?”

“Um, yeah. In my wallet, but ...”

“Can we ...” And now I’m the one who’s fumbling over my words because I don’t know how to actually come out and ask for what I want when I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing.

“Are you sure? I mean, aren’t you a virgin?”

I nod timidly, aware of how crazy this must sound to him. “I feel like I’m drowning, and I need to know that I’m not.”

There’s so much despair seeping out of me that I know he can feel it. How could he not? I’m drenched in it—the fear and hopelessness.

“Are you sure?” he questions with hesitation marking the lines in his forehead. “I don’t want you to hate me for this or anything.”

“Why would I hate you?”

“Because this is kind of a big deal for girls, and I don’t—”

“I could never hate you.” I take a moment before admitting, “I’m so lost, and I just want to connect. You’re the only one I can do that with.”

With an understanding nod, he gets out of bed and pulls his wallet from his back pocket, takes out a condom, and drops it onto the nightstand. When he shrugs his shirt off and starts unfastening his pants, I shift to my knees and begin undressing.

Each movement becomes more awkward than the one before, and I wait until he’s back under the covers with me before sliding off my underwear. When there’s nothing left, we scoot in closer to each other. He’s clearly nervous, but I don’t want him to be because I need too much out of him right now.

“You don’t ... you don’t have to make it romantic or anything,” I tell him to help take some of the pressure off.

I just want to know that I’m still human.

He rolls on top of me, and I feel safe under his weight.

“You know I care about you, right?”

I nod.

“I just need you to know that before we do this.”

“I know.”

“You’re the most important person in my life, and I want to be sure that we’re going to be okay after we do this.”

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