Page 59 of Am I the Only One

“I’m not.”

Sitting up, he props his forearms on his knees, refuting, “You are. You always have been.”

“So, what’s wrong with who you are?”

“Everything.” He drops his head. “Which is why we’ll never work.”

His words come out of leftfield, catching me completely off guard. Did he just admit to having feelings for me?

“I don’t know why I even let my head go there with you.”

“Go where exactly?” I ask, needing not to misconstrue whatever it is he’s trying to say. When he doesn’t answer, I press on. “Just be honest with me.”

It isn’t until I lay my hand on his knee to get his attention that he turns to me. It takes him a moment, and I can see he’s struggling before he says, “I love you.”

My lips part in complete shock, but my thoughts run rampant, silencing me.

“I didn’t want to fall for you because I knew it would never work between us, but I fell anyway, and now ... now it hurts to look at you. It hurts to be around you because I want more than that.”

“Luca—”

“I already know what you’re going to say. I already know I’m no good, which is why I’ve never told you. I’ve been fighting it for a while now.”

“Fighting what?”

“To not give in to what I’ve been feeling for you. To not touch you in ways I never have. To not kiss you when I hear you crying, because I want to.”

His hand comes straight to my cheek and slides back into my hair. A touch that’s too tender for him.

“I know better than to ever cross that line with you. I care too much, and I know I would probably wind up hurting you.”

My heart softens, and I can’t deny the jealousy I felt when I found out he slept with Olivia. And even though he’s making his confessions, I’m too terrified to make my own. To admit that I might be feeling more than what I should for him.

While he’s completely wrong about him not being good enough, he’s right when he says that he would most likely wind up hurting me, and I can’t risk hurting any more than what I already am. The pain I carry from losing my parents is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but as much as I want to protect myself, I want to protect him too. It isn’t easy seeing Luca like this. Distraught to the point he had to drink himself into being honest with me.

“I want you to get everything this world took from you, and I want to be the guy who gives it to you. I just don’t know if I could ever be faithful.”

And I fear that too.

“You deserve so much more than what I am, but it’s becoming impossible to keep this all buried.”

His hand falls away, and the loss of his touch chips at my heart. I want to tell him something—anything—because I know it took a lot for him to tell me all of this, but I’m so confused. God, I’m confused about everything in my life. I’ve been drowning for what seems like an eternity with nothing to grab on to.

If I were being honest, there’ve been moments when I just wanted to grab on to Luca. Everything I know about him suggests that he might just be the only one strong enough to pull me out of this madness. Then his flaws remind me of why I can’t go there. Why I can’t lean on him the way I crave to. More than anything, I fear losing him, losing my only real friend.

How do I ignore that pang of jealousy from this morning though?

What do I do with that?

Where does it go?

Taking a leap of faith, I give him what he deserves. “I was mad at you this morning.”

“You mean disappointed?”

Shaking my head, I give him what I want to hide, because that’s what I’m good at—hiding. “No. I was mad.”

The lines in his forehead deepen, and I dig further, giving him more when it feels so foreign to me. It worries me because I should be doing everything to protect myself, instead I’m doing the opposite. I’m exposing myself, opening up in a way I’m not sure I should, but I do it anyway.

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