Page 44 of Am I the Only One

I actually smiled, and it was so genuine that I felt its mirth from between my ribs.

There’s finally a light at the end of this dark tunnel I’ve been trapped in this past year. I filled up my gas tank without the worry of my bankcard being declined. I even treated myself to a coffee that was way over-priced because I could. Sometimes, it’s the little things that have the biggest effect on us. That coffee perched me on top of the world. It made me feel powerful and alive.

Eventually, the drive led me back home. Luca’s still in class, and now that I’ve unpacked, there’s a sudden shift.

The world eclipses, casting darkness upon me once again. But this time, it breeds panic instead of defeat.

Dropping my head, my breathing shallows when I consider the possible repercussions, which I should have already thought about. How much can I trust Carly?

What if, aside from her attorney, other people find out?

What if it somehow gets leaked to the press?

It’ll be my face all over the news, not theirs. I’ll be the college slut. The whore. They’ll paint me as the next Lewinski while everyone else will get away with their reputations at least somewhat intact.

Too anxious to sit still, I stand and begin pacing. The only way I’ll be able to mitigate any possible damage is if I never tell a soul. No one can ever know. Frantically, I twist my hands, all the while reminding myself that I’m doing this for my brother, for myself, and for our future that’s solely dependent on me.

It was why I agreed when Carly asked me to go through with it one more time. When she told me how much she would pay, I didn’t even hesitate. All I could see was the money I so desperately need. Although sixty grand isn’t even close to the amount I need to get myself back on my feet, it’s a start.

My cell phone chimes with a text.

Luca: Just got out of class. Heading to The Tombs with some friends. You should come.

The thought of getting wasted is insanely appealing right now, but I just don’t have it in me to be in a crowed bar filled with college goers.

Me: Thanks, but the drive back from Tennessee drained me. I think I’m going to call it a night.

Luca: Are you sure. I haven’t seen you in a few days. Missing my girl.

His words put a smile on my face.

Me: Yeah, I’m sure. Have fun. I’ll see you in the morning.

Tossing the phone aside, I flop down onto my bed, still feeling the low burning embers of panic when I think about how badly this could all end. I’ve always known DC was filled with all sorts of corruption. That awareness has turned from being distant and removed to something that fills my field of vision and drenches my hands in filth.

The sun gave way hours ago as I lie here, staring out the window. Snow clouds hang heavy in the sky as flurries float down. Reaching up, I drag my finger along the foggy glass, slowly drawing the shape of a small heart. As I run my finger through the middle, the condensation builds, and soon the droplets of water skitter down like tiny teardrops.

How poetic.

A bleeding heart.

I think about my mother and the way she would hold me at night when I’d be scared of the shadows in the dark. I’d find my way into her room, where she would pull back the blankets for me so I could snuggle between her and my dad. We’d giggle when he’d let out a snore. It’s amazing how one person’s embrace has the power to chase away the monsters.

I wish she were here.

I wish so badly for her arms to hold me again.

For her to tell me that everything will be okay.

A tear creeps out from the corner of my eye, and when I wipe it away, I hear Luca come home, followed by the sound of his bedroom door closing. I roll onto my side and tuck my knees against my chest. My fog heart still weeps, sending tiny streams down the icy glass.

I’m scared.

Scared of what will happen to me, of what my future holds, about the choices I’m making. Most of all, I’m scared for my brother. What will happen if I fail him? The burden is almost too much for me to carry, and when I see my heart chilling once more, fogging over and fading away, I slide from my bed and go in search of comfort.

I knock on Luca’s door.

“Come in.”

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