Page 21 of Out in the Country

“You’re telling me,”—his words are slow and measured—“you knewexactlywhat to expect when you gave that part of you to Tyler the first time.”

“No, I didn’t, but—”

“And you’re saying that if it takes me some time to be ready to take that step with you—that’s a deal breaker?”

My heart pounds in my chest becauseno no nothat isnotwhat I meant when I started talking.

“No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just…this still just feels sudden.”

“And you don’t think I thought this through? At all. Fuck, Hayden.”

Releasing my hand, he rolls onto his back and scrubs his hands over his face.

“I just need you to be sure,” I say but he doesn’t respond. Panic seizes my chest as I turn and wait for him to speak because everything that is coming out of my mouth is a mess.

When he finally meets my gaze, his eyes are blank, and it guts me to my very soul.

“There are things that will probably take me some time to be comfortable doing. Like I probably won’t stick my tongue in your ass right away, but I just thought…” His voice cracks the tiniest bit. “I thought you’d be okay learning with me.”

“Everett.” Emotion lodges in my throat, and I reach my hand to touch his forearm but he shakes me off. “I am, but—”

“I’m going to jump in the shower. Just, uh, get some sleep and we’ll”—he waves his hand around the room—“tomorrow.”

He gets up without waiting for me to respond, and the snick of the bathroom door shutting feels like a knife to the heart.

What did I just do?

Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit.

10

EVERETT

The water is almost hotter than I can bear as I stand with my hands braced on the wall under the shower head. I need the water to drown out the voice in my head that was telling me I’m not good enough—that I made the wrong choice.

The one that says I should have listened.

The excitement I’d felt had overrun the voice that told me to take this slow and to ease myself into things with Hayden.

Spoiler alert—I hadn’t.

Tonight had been the best night of my life—until it wasn’t—and I had no idea how I was going to fix it. I didn’t want to go back now that I’d had my lips against his and held him in my arms.

I don’t move when I hear the bathroom door open and then close, and I don’t move when the breeze from the curtain rushes against my body.

My body both craves and dreads his inevitable touch.

Warm arms wrap around my waist, and a soft kiss presses to my shoulder before Hayden’s head rests against my back. I exhale a weary sigh because I don’t know what this is.

Is he trying to let me down easy?

Did he wish tonight never happened? Please, God, anything but that.

I blink back the tears that threaten because I’m not sure I can stop them once they start.

“I handled that wrong, and I’m so sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Ev.”

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