Page 70 of Malachi

“What world are you referring to? It happens, son. It happens all the time. A life for a life. Give one, take one. Does it always happen the way it’s happened to you? Nah. Not everyone gets to love their soulmate twice. But, you do, so don’t fuck that up.

“Don’t run her off. Don’t treat her like shit. Don’t make her feel like a replacement because she’s not. Don’t make her feel like she’s in second place, competing with a woman you can’t have, no matter how much you want her.

“Appreciate what is here because it’s all you’ve got. This is your chance to be truly happy. You won’t get another. I promise you that much. I’m speaking from experience.”

My grandmother died of cervical cancer when their youngest child was only four years old. Since, he’d been alone in the world. Occasionally, he’d find himself in a situation that ended before it could truly begin. Since her, happiness was some farfetched idea he no longer subscribed to.

“Take this opportunity to give this girl the world. She didn’t just fall from the sky and land on your property. Love led her here. Before she ever saw your face, she already loved you. She already needed you. She already wanted you. Love her back. Need her back. Want her back.”

“I do.”

“Show her, then.”

“I will. It’s just not that simple. Not that easy. The guilt… I just—”

“Ain’t no guilt. Your wife sent her straight to you. What guilt could you possibly be feeling, Malachi? This is Anna’s doing. It has her name written all over it. She wanted you covered, and now that you are, let that guilt go.”

“I’ve been crying and crying and crying like a bitch.” I admitted to the lack of control over my emotions.

“You’ve been crying like a man,” he rephrased. “Don’t ever let anyone trick you into believing tears are for bitches. Tears are a display of strength, truth, and passion. You cry your fucking eyes out if you need to and I’d be damned if a motherfucker has an issue with it. Tell them to come see me. Ya hear, son?”

“Yes, Pops. I hear you.”

“Now, where is Aussie? I haven’t seen that face in so long.”

“She’s with Anna’s parents for the summer.”

“Oh, yeah, nigga?” His jealousy was beginning to show.

“Don’t start, old man.”

“Nah, nigga, you started it already. I’m expecting her next summer since we’re just handing her off and shit. I don’t want to hear nothing about it, neither.”

“You got it, Pops.” I threw my hands in the air.

“Now, turn on that television in there. The finals come on in an hour.”

There was no use in requesting solitude, and for once, I didn’t crave it. We headed into the living room where we both took a seat on the sectional. I handed him the remote, unsure of which channel he preferred. It would be airing on three of them. Just like old times, we stretched out on the couch as he flipped through the stations until settling on one.

“Make it right, son. I know shit is all fucked up right now so I won’t ask to meet her, but the next time I come by, I better see her face and a smile as wide as her head. Don’t half-ass it. Let go of your guilt. Let go of your pity. There’s still life after losing a love like the one you and Anna shared. It’s right in front of you.”

His words stuck with me. I let them marinate while remaining silent and staring blankly at the television. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to feel better.

NINE

The rain had come again.This time, it stuck to Berkeley’s surface for three nights straight. Each night, it left me with a new revelation, a new set of feelings, and a new memory I wished I was truly part of.

Four days had come and gone since I’d watched Malachi collapse and I still hadn’t recovered. The desire to know if he was well, if he was caring for himself, and if he was taking his medicine as he should left me wanting to reach out or walk just down the road to see for myself.

However, I was exhausted from our last encounter and still trying to regroup. There was something about his rejection that stung a little more this time. It was unnerving and left me out of sorts.

Hearing him demand space the way he had, as if my presence was a burden instead of a blessing, left me feeling a few ways. It was like my heart was on a swivel and he was continuing to hack away at it, little by little, whenever he felt like it. And, in those pockets of time where he wanted to feel better, to feel me, he put his knife down for a little while and penetrated my flesh until he was better.

Immediately after, his weapon was in his hand again, and his assault continued. I didn’t have the strength to endure his shunning for once, so I continued to stay on my end and allowed him to go about his days without my interference. It was better this way, better for us both. When he was ready, he knew where to find me. Until then, I’d grant his wish and maintain a safe distance.

Even with us staying apart for almost three weeks in total, my cravings were intensifying. Malachi’s absence didn’t prove I could continue just fine without him. It only confirmed the fact that I shouldn’t. The second he stepped into my world, things shifted, aligning in my favor. His presence was my solution to almost every issue I was facing. Nothing mattered with him around. The carefree life I dreamed of was in my grasp.

Feeling the weight of his absence most when night fell, I found myself at the table, again, with a pen and pad in front of me. My fingers ached as I expressed myself on a fresh piece of paper. Dinner was on the counter, waiting to be cooked but until I cleared my thoughts and got a few things off my chest, I wouldn’t be able to start.

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