Page 180 of No Rules

“Hi.”

His voice is hoarse and broken, like he hasn’t spoken for many days, which I’m not sure he has. Seeing him like this breaks my heart a little more. I swallow hard to get my breath back. I need…need to feel him against me. I walk up the rest of the steps to get to his level and wrap my arms around his chest.

His body is ice cold when it’s usually boiling.

His arms stay by his side. He is completely sealed to my gesture. I pull him a little closer to me, rubbing my face against his chest.

“I’m sorry. So sorry, Tucker,” I whisper, my voice hoarse.

He inhales deeply over me. His muscles tense a little more and then he braces himself completely. He tries to pull away from me but I don’t move an inch. I don’t let go.

“I know what you’re going to do. You’re in great pain. You want to push me away, hurt me to get away. I’ve been there too. I know how you feel. I know it, Tucker.”

I straighten my head, and he tilts his towards me, his eyebrows furrowed.

“I know you’re hurting, but don’t try to hurt me back, please.”

He still doesn’t answer but watches me in silence. His breath hits my face. Then his mask cracks little by little. His jaw almost starts to tremble.

“I don’t want to hurt you but…this is not the right time, Iris.”

He tries to pull away again, and this time I let him. I watch him put distance between us, helpless. A silent minute passes. Finally, he sits down on the step under our feet, his eyes lost on the huge garden.

“I wasn’t there, Iris.”

I close my eyes tightly, feeling all of his pain seeping from his pores. I settle down next to him, not saying a word.

“I thought her device was malfunctioning, but it wasn’t. She was dying. And she died while I was at a stupid party with…”

With me.

He doesn’t say those words, but I can guess. And they hurt. I try to take it in. I’ve been there, I know how much pain he’s in and can’t see anything around him. But it’s fucking hard. I turn to him and put my hand on his forearm.

“You couldn’t have known, Tucker. It’s not your fault. It’s NOT your fault.”

He doesn’t say anything back to me, and I understand that he thinks it is, he has some responsibility.

“I wasn’t near her. She left on her own,” he finally whispers.

“You stayed with her all those months. She wasn’t alone. Debbie knew you were there for her.”

He shakes his head and stands up. I do the same.

“She was all I had left, you know? I have nothing left.”

I try to take another step towards him, being careful not to touch him. “Me. You have me, Tucker. I’m here. And I’m yours, just like you are mine, remember?”

He closes his eyes and inhales once more. He opens his eyelids again and his mask is back in place. He’s completely closed. “I can’t be yours. Not after this. I need time.”

I reach for his hand, but his words chill me.

“It’s over.”

My heart misses a beat. I swallow, not sure I heard correctly.

“Don’t say that,” I whisper between my trembling lips. “You can’t fucking say that. Don’t hurt me, Tucker.”

He doesn’t answer me. Unable to take it anymore, I cling desperately to him, my heart beating wildly. My arms go around his neck, and I press my face into his neck.

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