Page 16 of Trading Yesterday

She smiled and nodded, raising her little arms toward me. As gently as I could, I gathered her close, lifting her onto my lap as I sat on the edge of the bed, so careful of her IV, and pulling the blankets around her. She was fragile, and I saw some purple bruises on her arms and legs, which hinted at her awful illness but felt perfect in my arms. Love like nothing I’d ever felt, rushed over me.

Teagan wept silently a few feet away from us, frantically brushing the tears off of her cheeks as I held an arm out to her and she joined us on the bed. Remi wound one arm around each of our necks. Teagan kissed one cheek while I dropped my lips to the top of her head, memorizing the scent of my child. My child. With Teagan. Could anything be more amazing?

“I’m so sorry, Chase.” Teagan’s voice cracked on my name.

“We’ll talk later, Teagan, okay?” I couldn’t help it; I reached out and brushed her chin with my fingertips before returning my attention to our child. “I’d like to hear one of Mommy’s stories, sweetheart. Should we ask her to tell us one?”

The little one giggled. “There are lots and lots to choose from! My favorite is the one where you stole her heart. Are you gonna give it back now?”

“Should I?”

She laughed happily, despite her paleness and the tubes and wires. “Nope!”

“Good. I don’t think so either. I think I’ll keep it forever!”

In a matter of ten minutes, I now shared Teagan’s desperation over this little life. The mess between us would have to wait. Remi was what mattered right now. Whatever it took; money, asking my father’s help, and if possible, donating marrow, I’d do whatever I needed to do.

TEAGAN

“Mommy!” Remi patted the bed on the opposite side from where Chase was sitting on the chair.

I was amazed at how easily she’d taken to him, and equally fascinated at how incredible he was with her. It was as if she’d known him her whole life, and had been her father from day one. I’d been telling her stories about him since before she could talk, but this… was more than I could have hoped for.

I studied them, watching the way they engaged with each other; Remi’s rapt attention, and the adoration on Chase’s face as he looked at her. I swallowed at the regret that threatened to overcome me and closed my eyes, my brow furrowing with my effort as I tried to fend off the tears that burned in my eyes. I could only pray that they would both forgive me. Especially Chase. Remi had a piece of him her whole life, but I’d robbed him of so much. I could see the consequences of my decision so clearly now, and how given the choice, Chase would have given up his career. Damn my good intentions.

I was sitting near the window, just watching them and struggling to hold back my tears, and when my little girl called me. I sat up a little straighter and blinked rapidly.

“Mommy, tell Daddy the story!”

My heart seized in panic. How would I ever be able to hold it together, or more, how would I be able to keep from Chase that I loved him, and had never stopped, not even one day since the last time we saw each other almost six years before? If I told that story right now, I’d fall apart. I tried to make Chase real for Remi by letting her know him through my memories, always knowing that someday, whether I chose it or not, she’d want him in her life.

I flushed, heat seeping up under the skin of my face and neck in embarrassment. There would have been a time when I had nothing to hide from Chase, but now, after so much time had passed, with so much pain and betrayal between us, I was feeling vulnerable. “Um…” I faltered. “Daddy knows the story, honey. He was there.”

Her face fell in a bit of a sad pout. “But, I love that story! Please!

I swallowed hard. The tightness in my throat was a culmination of the overwhelming emotion of just seeing Remi with her father, and the embarrassment that telling the story would cause. I felt ashamed. How could I tell the story that openly showed my love for him at the same time he was grappling with the way he was denied his daughter. It made me even more vulnerable, and my insides were already quivering like a house of cards in the wind.

Chase’s eyes flashed up to mine and locked; in that moment my breath lodged in my throat. He was tan and his hair was a just a bit shorter, but those soulful eyes still read me like a book. He knew how I was struggling, just like I knew the internal battle he was waging. I could tell he was wondering if Jensen would walk through the hospital room door because he kept glancing at it and then looking at his watch.

The much-needed reprieve came when one of the nurses came into the room to take Remi’s vital signs and gently suggest she rest. Chase stood and backed up from the chair, raised his arms and laced his fingers on the top of his head. He was tall, towering over the barely 5’4” nurse.

She was young, and I couldn’t help but notice the way her appreciative eyes looked Chase over. “Who’s this?” she asked Remi, who instantly smiled brightly.

“That’s my daddy!” she announced proudly. “He plays football across the ocean.”

The nurse paused briefly while putting the blood pressure cuff around Remi’s little arm. It was obvious she was judging something she knew nothing about.

“Oh, I thought—” she stammered, looking up at me as she continued pumping up the rubber bulb on the cuff, “Um, how nice.”

I wanted to crawl into a hole. “Daddy sometimes plays in America and Canada, too, honey.” Remi was smart and we’d looked at a globe when I told her where Chase was, but I said the words more to divert the subject than anything else. “Shush, now,” I said, so the nurse could count her pulse as she slowly let the air out of the blood pressure cuff.

“Why don’t you have one of those electronic blood pressure things?” Chase asked abruptly when the nurse was finished removing the instrument from Remi’s little arm.

“We do, but her arm is so small, we get a better reading this way.”

He nodded and remained quiet by the window as we waited for the nurse to take her temperature. “All this is good, but you know what comes next,” the nurse said sympathetically as a phlebotomist dressed in another of the yellow gowns, walked into the room, “but afterward, we’ll get you some dinner and maybe ice cream.”

Remi’s little eyes filled with tears and her chin quivered, though she didn’t cry out loud.