Page 53 of Loved By The Bad Boy

His gaze lowers to his hands clenched on his knees, and he continues, “When I shouted at you for talking to Asher the day I was late to pick him up, I was scared. You were telling me how to take care of him, and I lost it. I’m not a terrible brother.” A tear drops to his knee, and he slowly releases his breath. He is a great big brother. Asher can testify to that; me too. He adores that little man. “I was going to protect him because I was about that age when she started touching me.”

My heart stops, then it pounds against my ribcage. Ben’s head stays down, so I can’t gauge his emotions. He shakes his head to prevent me from touching him. His rejection stings, but I wave it off.

“Asher talked about a pretty Tessa, and I thought she went to his school to do the same thing. I didn’t hate you. No. I just hated that you had the same name and seemed nice. I didn’t want you to be nice. I wanted you to be evil so I could justify the hate.” He raises his head long enough for me to see his bitter smile and tear-filled eyes. “See, all Tessas are supposed to be bad people.”

I try again to touch him. My hand reaches for his, and he lets me sandwich it between mine.

“When Mom remarried, I didn’t like it. I knew something would change, but I didn’t expect it to change or affect us that much. We were no longer the three musketeers.” I bring Ben’s hand to my mouth and scatter feather kisses across his knuckles. Noah also used that word to describe his relationship with his mom and brother. “It became four—no. Five of us, if you include her. I couldn’t understand it. I encouraged her to go on dates but didn’t think it would yield anything.”

“At first, I would do the little things. Swap salt for sugar. Switch his coffee beans. The goal was pretty simple. Get Josef to kick us out. But he didn’t.” Ben tsks. His grip on my hand tightens, and I whimper. “Sorry.” I kiss him to lessen his worry, and his eyes glaze as he continues. “She was nice at first.”

“She?” I ask. “Tessa?”

“Yes.” He smiles down at me. “She was in her last year of college. And she would talk so much about how she hated their marriage. Asher was too young to understand anything, and I was this tiny, wimpy kid, but she didn’t mind talking to me about anything and everything. It made me feel grown up, adult-ish. We would spend the evenings hating it together. She liked to drink too.”

Ben scratches his jeans again. His nails crack, and I grab his hands to stop him from injuring himself.

“She would offer me some wine or whatever alcohol she was drinking for the night, and I would refuse. I knew it was wrong.” Ben squeezes his eyes shut, and tears roll silently down my cheeks. I don’t want to hear any more of this. “One day, I agreed. What could possibly go wrong? She…”

“You don’t have to tell me,” I blurt out.

“No.” His eyes flutter open. “I have to tell you. I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”

“Okay.” I hug him to offer him strength, and he seems to relax. “Okay. Go ahead.”

Silence descends in the room. I don’t know if I’m the one shaking or Ben, but I hug him tight. I am scared to hear what he has to say. I don’t want to taint any of the memories we have built.

“She took my penis in her mouth,” Ben deadpans. My arms slide down his stiff back. I feel him detach from me, but he doesn’t stop talking or shaking. “She said it wasn’t bad, but I knew it was. Adults are not supposed to touch kids’ privates or force them to go down on them.” A sob escapes him, and he inhales sharply. “It was terrible, Gracie, and I couldn’t do anything.”

My eyes water. I hide my face in Ben’s chest because I can’t bear to see the glaring hurt. I’m supposed to be the one consoling him, but I am teary-eyed. He didn’t deserve any of that.

“I tried to tell Mom, but she thought it was one of those lies I made up to get out of the house.” I suck in a breath. What? I would have been so betrayed. My chest caves in on me, and I cling to Ben until the pressure disappears. “So, Tessa continued. No one would believe me, anyway.”

I believe him. Maddie should have also believed him. It makes sense now. The resentment he holds for his mother and the overprotectiveness of Asher. He wanted SAS for Asher, not himself.

“And she knew that, so she used it to her advantage. At some point, I stopped trying to fight it. I would just sit and wait for her in the dark. If I didn’t struggle, it would end faster.” I look up, my hand sliding up to palm his wet cheek. He stares into space. “Maybe that’s when she broke me. It became constant. From once a month to once a week and almost every night. It was awful, Gracie.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

Ben cups my face and swipes his fingers under my eyes. “Don’t be sorry. It’s over now. It won’t happen again. She will never touch me,” he says with so much hate and vengeance that I shiver. Tears roll down my cheeks. Disgust for Maddie and Josef fills my chest, and hate for Tessa consumes me. She won’t put a finger on him. I won’t allow it. “Don’t cry. It’s not your fault.”

“I know. I wish I could help.”

“You helped a whole lot. I promise,” Ben replies with a kiss on my nose, then another on my lips. “I know now that all Tessas are not evil, and I love you with all my heart, Gracie Tee Mower.”

Using the hem of my shirt to wipe the tears staining his cheeks, I murmur, “I love you too with all my heart and soul, Benjamin Carter. You are the best, and nothing has changed between us.”

“You still like me,” he murmurs. It’s not a question, so I don’t reply. Bringing my hands to cup his face, he stares at me for a few seconds without talking. “I’m sorry I broke your heart, Gracie. I just thought since I couldn’t save myself, I could save Liv or at least try to help her. But I guess I was wrong. You should have been my main priority. Olivia Beckham wasn’t exactly a saint.”

My laughter sounds hollow to my ears. “She wasn’t. But it’s okay. It’s good you stepped in.” My arms wrap around his neck, and our eyes meet. “You did good, Benny. I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“What are you thinking?” he asks minutes later. I shake out of my reverie. There are so many things going on in my mind. A sob tunnels out of my throat as I replay his words. His childhood reality hits me harder than the first time, and I can’t control the tears that roll down my cheeks. His childhood was a fucking mess. “Hey. Hey. Hey. Babe, look at me. Don’t cry. It’s over now.”

“How did you cope?” I fixate my gaze on him. He’s the kid who was molested, and I’m the one tearing up. I never had to worry about pedophiles. I worried about travels and gifts. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why didn’t you tell Josef or someone else? They might have believed you.”

“I don’t know. I guess I felt like if Mom didn’t believe me, why would he? She’s his daughter, after all. He might want to protect her first.” My heart breaks again. It is a different kind of hurt I feel for him. I want to be angry on his behalf. To fight the witch. He sniffs my neck and exhales. “Gracie. I’m fine now, okay? I don’t really want to talk about the past, just wanted you to know.”

Is he really okay if he can’t handle the mention of that name? My head bobs. I don’t know how he dealt with those moments, but I’m proud of him.

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