Page 40 of Broken By the Bad Boy

Things have not been the same for a long time. It got worse after she married Josef.

“Benny,” she calls out to me in a desperate tone.

Mommy.

I grit my teeth. “Ben. Call me Ben.” She nods. She’s nervous. I make my mother nervous.

“Ben.” I force a smile to my lips. I miss her. I miss the days when we were all she had, but every time I try to be nice to her, I remember. And it upsets me all over again. She motions to the bed, and I sigh softly. There’s a laptop box. Asher told Josef I didn’t have one. “Can we talk? Please.”

I close my eyes and let out a deep breath. She is not her. She won’t hurt me. “Okay.”

Mom sits on one side of the bed, and I sit on the opposite end. Her smile wavers as she observes the distance between us. Once upon a time, I was such a mommy’s boy. Because of her, I constantly doubt myself, wondering if Gracie has had enough of me and moved on to a Josef.

It’s hard to be mad at my mother sometimes. Mom is happy. She radiates a happiness that was missing when she was married to my father. Maybe Dad wasn’t making her as happy as I thought, and the divorce was the right option. I don’t know, but I guess she deserves happiness too.

“You’re leaving,” she mutters. I ignore the disappointment in her voice, and my head jerks in a shaky nod. She hugs a pillow. Her voice breaks when she whispers, “Will you ever forgive me?”

The pain in her voice splits my heart into a million pieces. I ball my hands into fists. “For what?”

She is the reason I have trouble sleeping alone. If Asher is not home, it’s harder to fall asleep. I might give him a speech about being strong anytime he sneaks into my bed after a nightmare, but those are the best parts of my nights. Sleep comes easily when he is there. She won’t hurt me if I am not alone.

Tears cloud my vision as the dark memories try to overpower me.

She’s not here.

She can’t hurt me.

My fingernails dig into my palms until they draw blood. I focus on the pain, rocking back and forth to keep my head above the surface. I think about the fights. About my Gracie. Our kisses and her sheepish grin. Her silly insults. Her cookies. And the anger slowly eases from my body.

I raise my head. Mom’s watching. The pent-up emotions shatter over me, bile rushes up my throat, and I fist my hands so tight my entire body quakes. I needed her then. I still do. But I don’t know how to move past this mental block. I think I hate her, but I don’t want to. She is here but so far away. And the question that has always burned in my mind tumbles out.

“Where were you when I needed you, Mom?”

Mom chokes on a sob. The space between us vanishes. “Benny.” My head jerks in her direction, and my eyes narrow. She thinks I’m mad at her for marrying Josef, but it’s more than that. “Ben,” she corrects.

She pulls my hand between hers. I allow her to comfort me for a moment and retract my hand.

“Ben.” I don’t look up. My gaze fixates on the maroon rug and my ugly slides. “You can’t cling to the past forever. I’m happy with him.” Mom doesn’t get it. She didn’t get it then; she won’t get it now. It is bigger than all the games she missed. With a sigh, she drops the box between us. “Josef got you a laptop. You have always wanted one.” I still do, but it’s from him, so it’s a no. “Ben.”

“I don’t want it,” a voice strangely similar to mine answers.

Seconds roll into minutes. The weight on the bed disappears, and her feet appear in my line of vision. She palms my cheeks, forcing my gaze on her face. She is the feminine version of me.

We are identical to a fault.

“I’ll leave it here in case you change your mind,” she says. A colony of ants swarms my stomach when her lips meet my forehead. It has been so long since I got a forehead kiss from her. It makes everything better for a minute, and I smile at her. “I love you.”

I love you too.

But my lips remain sealed. Mom smiles back at me. Her hand hangs mid-air as she contemplates touching me again. Seconds later, she shakes her head and walks away. Stopping at the door, she smiles at me for so long that I begin to feel like an asshole for treating her this way.

“I hope you consider spending the weekends with us.”

Probably not. But my shoulders roll in a shrug.

The silence after her departure is deafening. I stare at the door until Asher enters with a pack of gummy bears. He eats more than everyone in the house. I don’t accept the chewy candy he offers me. I am wary of spending too much of Josef’s money. He’s a great giver, maybe a good man. I don’t know for sure, but he treats Mom and Asher well. Mom smiles as much as I do with Gracie.

Asher jumps on the bed while I arrange the last of our things. Josef has a fleet of cars. He has offered to drop us at the house on more than one occasion. Accepting his help might bring us together. That’s how he won Asher’s heart. They bonded over a car ride to the mall, and Asher fell in love.

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