Page 5 of Make Me Whole

Tears pooled in my eyes as the haze left me for good. I didn’t want to cry. I had cried more than a person should in two months. All I wanted was to fall back asleep.

I checked the clock on the side table, the same silly plastic frog with a crown I'd had since junior high, and it read 10:31 a.m. The hour gave me hope. It was still early, Dad was at work, and Ella was at school. There were four more hours to sleep and wallow before I had to pull myself together for the sake of my daughter.

I tugged the covers closer and rolled onto my side, pulling my legs up to my chest, and wrapped an arm around my thighs. Closing my eyes again, I begged for sleep to take me, to bring the relief of dreams to the ongoing nightmare that was my life. Though I was sure God had forgotten me at this point, I also prayed for sleep and relief.

Still, my mind refused to settle. Perhaps a three-hour nap after ten hours of sleep had capped my quota for the day.

I heard a loud clanking sound that echoed from downstairs. It sounded like baking sheets falling to the floor, and I frowned because that couldn’t be. I was alone in the house, wasn’t I?

I reached for my phone and pressed the button to light the screen. I had twelve missed calls, all from Eli, and thirty-eight texts—undoubtedly from him as well. And these were just the ones sent since breakfast when I ignored ten call notifications and twenty-one messages. The man was relentless, I had to give him that.

My heart constricted with hurt and anger, but I ignored the feeling and the notifications and focused on the date and time written atop the screen.

August 20th - Saturday

10:46 a.m.

I brought the phone to my chest, closed my eyes, and groaned in anger at being so lost in grief that I'd wasted a whole morning with my daughter. To make matters worse, my dad’s best friend was coming over with his son for lunch and I’d lose even more time with Ella.

The backs of my eyes prickled, but instead of crying, I shoved the covers aside and got up. After removing the ratty sweater I was wearing, combing through the rat nest that was my hair, and brushing the taste of death from my mouth, I put on real clothes for the first time in a week.

I chose a mommy and me yellow dress with a cinched waist and puffy sleeves. It was a mommy and me dress and Ella’s favorite, which I hoped would make up for my forgetting that today was our day together. I finished my look with a pair of navy wedges and made my way downstairs.

The clanking of metal continued to echo from the kitchen, mixing with the voices of my dad and my seven-year-old daughter. She sounded happy, which gave me mixed emotions. I was happy because happy-Ella was and would always be my favorite, but also sad because thanks to the mess my nightmare ex made in my life, I was missing it.

After a deep breath, I turned the corner and entered the kitchen. Dad and Ella huddled at the counter, laughing like they were both seven, while surrounded by cooking gadgets, ingredients, and a freaking mess.

"What are you two nuts doing?" I asked, hands on hips and a smile on my lips.

They turned to look at me like a couple of scaredy cats. Both were covered in flour with chocolate smeared on the corners of their mouths. The look was cute on my daughter but silly on my dad.

"Mommy!" Ella cried and jumped from the step stool to come hug me. I bent over and picked her up.

Even though she was small for her age, she was getting heavier and heavier to hold. Still, I loved having this girl in my arms. She was the one thing I had aptly done and my only reason for pride amid a downpour of regrets.

“Hey, Peanut!” I greeted, dusting the flour from her hair and placing a soft kiss on the tip of her nose. “What are you and Grandpa doing?”

“Cookies for cookie ice cream sandwiches. Do you think my new friend...” She trailed off and looked at my dad for help.

“Aiden,” Dad said as he dusted the flour from his shirt and leaned against the counter to watch us.

She nodded, her little bangs bouncing over her eyebrows. “Right. Do you think my new friend Aiden will like it?”

“Of course, he will. It’s cookies and ice cream. A person would have to be crazy not to eat at least two.”

Ella chuckled. “Two is a lot, Momma. Grandpa and I made giant cookie balls to become giant cookies and giant cookie ice cream sandwiches.”

My eyes widened at the amount of giant things in her sentence. “Wow, Peanut. I’ve never tried a giant ice cream sandwich—”

“Giantcookieice cream sandwich,” she corrected me, as if that wasn’t the composition of all ice cream sandwiches.

I had to work hard not to laugh but forced a serious expression and nodded. “Of course, baby. I’ve never had a giantcookieice cream sandwich. Can’t wait to have my first.”

“No,” she protested with a shocked expression. “You can’t have it, Mom. Grandpa said you were sleeping because your tummy was hurting, and you said we can’t have sweets when our tummies hurt. So no giant cookie ice cream sandwich for you. They are all for me and Grandpa and my new friend Aiden and for Mr....” She looked up, trying to remember Max’s name, but quickly gave up and shrugged. “And for Mr. Aiden’s Dad. You can eat an apple.”

The idea of eating an apple while the three of them ate my favorite dessert ever didn’t make my heart sing, but I went along. Staying away from dessert was far easier than explaining depression to a young girl. I smiled at her and placed another kiss on the tip of her nose. “Thank you for taking such good care of me, baby.”

“It’s my pleasure,” she replied with the cutest little shrug. “Us girls have to stick together.”

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