Page 100 of Snake's Head

When I reached our apartment, Valerio was in the living room. He looked at me with a cold expression. It looked so unnatural on him. “That was fast,” he murmured.

“I am sorry,” I said before going to the couch and sitting down on the opposite side of him.

Valerio looked annoyed at my apology. He flexed his jaw and asked, “Are you disgusted by me, Luce?”

“What?” My eyes widened. “No!”

“Then why are you acting like this? What changed after I told you my story?”

The real meaning behind his words came to me at that moment. He thought I was disgusted because of what happened to him. “Valerio,” I said with tears in my eyes. “Of course, I am not disgusted by you. What you told me could never make me see you in any negative way. Please never think like that.”

“Then what happened, Luce?”

“I realized what your secret was. I realized that it was something horrible that happened to you and not something you did. It didn’t change anything about how perfect you were.”

“And that is bad?”

“Yes,” I said a little loudly. “It is bad because I thought we were equal. We both had secrets, but now I know yours is different than mine. You did nothing bad, Valerio, but I did.”

“I did many bad things, Luce.”

“But none that you kept it from me. I haven’t been honest, Val, and I am terrified you are going to hate me for it.”

His throat moved up and down, but he seemed more relieved than before. I hated that he thought the problem was him. I knew that telling him was the right choice now.

“Tell me,” he said, determined. “Not many things can make me hate you, Luce, and you can never know without telling me what it is.”

I nodded weakly and started telling him everything.

Chapter 34

Luciana

When I was young, being a mafia princess was always so boring. I was not allowed to befriend outsiders, and I had a reputation to behold for the ones I could befriend. Most kids wanted to be friends with me because their parents were desperate to get close to my father. It wasn’t a big problem when I was really young, but when I hit my teens, I realized people’s true faces, and it became impossible to ignore.

I started to see beyond people’s masks and also formed my own mask. I wanted a personality that could build walls between me and them. I didn’t want anyone’s fake affection, just like I didn’t want to hear anyone talk badly about my mother for not being Italian.

I was able to distance myself so well. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t have a relationship with my siblings. I was glad that I didn’t have to endure their backhanded compliments or their forced smiles, but I also felt so utterly alone.

Most of my time outside of school was spent alone. I sometimes talked with my mother, but she was not a great company for a teenage girl. I had to have fun by doing homework or reading books. I was never even interested in fiction books because they usually reminded me of things I was not allowed to have or didn’t have. I was just alone, and the person I spent the most time with was my old and grumpy bodyguard.

However, when I was fourteen, my bodyguard retired, and I got a new one named Andro. He was in his thirties, newly married, and had a small kid. In perspective, he was also too old to be my friend, but he was more talkative and cheerier than my previous bodyguard. He always made an effort to make me laugh or start a conversation with me.

He was also very handsome.

Suddenly Andro became my closest friend. I found myself going out more, so he would have to guard me and try to make the car rides go on longer. Andro was much easier to talk to than all my supposed friends, and he was always so thoughtful. Those qualities, combined with good looks, were enough to make a fourteen-year-old girl crush.

At that age, most girls at school were talking about sex. I heard a few outsider girls talk about their first kisses and the boys they kissed. Those were forbidden for us Cosa Nostra girls. We were supposed to have our first kiss in a church on our wedding day and give our virginities to our husbands that same night. We were expected to abstain from what other young girls were enjoying, and in the end, we were not even allowed to choose our husbands.

I absolutely hated that.

I wanted to be able to do what other girls were doing. I didn’t want my father to choose who was going to touch me for the first time. I wouldn’t be able to hide if I had sex, but I could at least kiss someone. I just had to find someone I could trust to keep his mouth shut.

Of course, as a girl with zero friends, it was very hard. I couldn’t trust any boy from our circle, and I didn’t have many outsider choices considering I was studying at an all-girls school. The only person I was interested in kissing and I could actually trust was Andro. He made an oath to keep me safe, after all. Snitching on me would break that oath.

So, I actually asked him. At first, I started asking him questions about sexual things, and when he was comfortable talking about those things with me, I took it to the next level. I felt so comfortable with him and wanted him to kiss me so badly.

When I first asked, Andro got shocked and refused me. He told me that he was married, and even if he was not, I was completely off-limits. His refusal hurt me, but I didn’t give up. I asked him again and assured him it was going to be a secret. It was just an innocent little kiss. It would mean nothing. He was breaking my heart by saying no.

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