Page 155 of Chasing Infinity

My heart thuds against my chest, each beat ringing in my ears. My lungs feel tight as if I can’t breathe in a full breath, no matter how deeply I try to inhale. I’m breaking out in a cool sweat, the beads of perspiration making my skin clammy as I sit on our couch, all the negative and dark thoughts swirling around me like a tornado.

I feel like I’m drowning. In regret, in anger, in everything.

Since I was in that stupid accident, I’ve been fighting off the sense of failure lingering in my mind. Vincent taking my badge the other day only amplified that, and my father coming by to rub it in my face and threaten me was the breaking point. And now it’s consuming me. The failure that everything I set out to do all those years ago is now pointless. Everything I worked toward has crumbled. I’m wondering what I was thinking, wasting all my time and energy on this when I was destined to hit this point anyway.

I’ve failed. That’s all there is to it.

“Noah,” Addison whispers, her hand coming up to cup my cheek. The whisper of my name, sounding so hopeless, breaks me even further, and I lean my head into her touch. “What happened?”

I let out a shaky exhale and close my eyes. “I’m fine.”

Addison is quiet for a moment before I hear her say, “No, you’re not.” I don’t respond to her; I just let the weight of my head rest against her palm. I know her eyes are on me as she searches my face for all my secrets. “Tell me.”

I squeeze my eyes closed tighter. “Nothing. I’ve failed.”

“No,” she says firmly. “I don’t believe that. You’ve just hit a block in the road, and you’re hurting. What can I do?”

“This is enough,” I say, finally opening my eyes to gaze at her. “I feel like it’s been a lifetime since I’ve been happy. Since I’ve felt like myself. But ever since I’ve been back home with you….”

A soft smile forms on Addison’s pink lips, the edges curving up. “I know. I feel the same.”

“I need you to save me like you did before.”

“You don’t need saving, Noah. You’re strong enough to save yourself.”

I shake my head, and her palm falls from my cheek. I look up at the sky, my chest tight. There are grey rolling clouds forming, signaling rain soon. “I don’t feel strong.”

“You’re the strongest person I know.”

“You don’t know me. Not anymore,” I tell her, letting the hardness in my tone cut.

Addison takes a step back from me and covers her arms over her chest. “I do. I know you probably better than I know myself. But if you need a break, take one. Let me be strong for the both of us for once.”

“I just don’t know what to do from here,” I breathe. “I don’t know what to do.”

Addison comes to sit by me again, her eyes watching me closely. She appears to think over her words for a minute or two, the silence between us almost deafening. Finally, she asks, “You lost your job?”

I nod my head once. Embarrassment sparks in my chest, but I dampen it. There’s nothing I can do about it now. “Sort of. They took me off the assignment. Took my badge. I’ll get it back eventually after they do an investigation and sit me through a performance review, but until then—“

“Why?”

“I fucked up, Parks. I got too comfortable and let my guard down.”

“It was an accident,” she protests. “How were you to know your father would go after you like that?”

“It’s not that. It’s—” I hesitate, thinking of the best way to phrase it. “It’s a conflict of interest. Now more than ever. He figured me out, and that’s dangerous.”

She considers my words. “Your father referenced your ‘previous arrangement.’ He was talking about when you left, wasn’t he?”

I put my forehead in my hand again. “He was.”

“He wants you to leave?” I nod, and she presses her lips together before asking, “And what if you don’t?”

“There will be consequences.”

“You mean me, right? He’s going to come after me?” She asks, though her voice doesn’t waver. You’d think that any person would be wary when their life has been threatened, but not Addison. She appears cool, calm and collected, despite being the focus of my father’s threats.

“You’re my Achilles heel, Parks. He will use whatever or whomever to get his point across, and it seems like he’s chosen you again.” I shake my head. “I’m not perfect, not by a long shot. But I’ve done everything to keep you safe. I left the first time and didn’t look back, all to play his game, but even still. It’s not enough. When will it be enough?”

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