Page 95 of All Your Tomorrows

“Because you’re compassionate and brave and a hell of a human being.”

“You have to say that,” I said.

“No, I don’t. You of all people should know I can be a real bitch sometimes.”

I wanted to laugh, but it just wouldn’t come. I closed my eyes and tried not to envision Kyler in my mind. Tried not to picture my final moments with him. And, though I tried to stop the sadness from flooding my brain, it was as if my memories played on a constant loop and they wouldn’t stop. “Why didn’t I let him come to the café with me?”

“Don’t do this, Nora.”

“He wanted to come with me. Why couldn’t I just let him?”

“Because you couldn’t have known Melanie was pretending to be Daci,” Izzy assured me.

“But if I just—”

“I love you, but I’m not gonna let you blame yourself. He couldn’t have stopped her even if he was there.”

I didn’t respond. She may have been right. Melanie’s attack came out of nowhere.

“It’s gonna take time,” Izzy said. “And, I promise you, I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

* * *

I lay on the sofa with a blanket over my lap as the fire crackled in the fireplace. I’d eaten half a jar of peanut butter with a spoon. Izzy had just helped me shower and rebandage my incision.

She laughed from her spot on the loveseat. “Oh, my God. This is even funnier than I remember,” she said asThe Hangoverstreamed on our television.

“It’s such a guy movie,” I mumbled.

She continued laughing at the craziness on the screen, and I wished I could laugh too.

When she asked what movie we should watch, I suggested Kyler’s favorite, thinking it would make me feel closer to him. But all it had done was make me wonder what parts made him laugh the hardest. Which character he liked the best. Which situations he found the most outrageous.

“How’s that peanut butter?” she asked, confused by my new choice of snack.

“Delicious,” I said, eating a spoonful.

She laughed before she turned back to the television. “Come on, Nora. How can you not laugh at that?” She thrust her hand out at the television as her laughter grew louder.

Wasn’t it obvious?

“What movie’s next?” she asked.

“I was thinkingOld School. I love the streaking scene,” I said.

“I’m in.”

“Maybe tomorrow night we could go in the backyard, and I could show you some of the constellations Kyler showed me.”

She cocked her head, not even bothering to disguise the sympathy in her eyes. “Will it help?”

I shrugged.

“Constellations it is!” she declared before laughing at the movie again.

CHAPTER 25

My black heels echoed up the steps behind the pulpit. I stood tall and looked out over the entire church. Not a pew was empty. The Fletchers sat in the front pew beside his living grandmother. The one I’d seen at the bridge sat beside her. Bono sat in the second row with a bunch of guys I assumed were Kyler’s high school friends. My mom, Izzy, and Daci sat in the middle of the church all nodding reassuringly at me. I took that as my cue to begin.

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