Page 63 of So Normal

Faith felt a flash of irritation. “Don’t play word games with me. Is that what you’re saying?”

“What I said was that you’re already suffering personal consequences due to your obsession with the copycat killer. What you said was that you and Michael were fighting because of your obsession with the case. You must believe that your relationship with Michael has been impacted by your obsession with the copycat killer case.”

She opened her mouth to protest but closed it without saying anything. Deep down, a part of her did believe that. In fact, now that she thought about it, Michael had pointed out that since he told her about the copycat killer, she had been moody and distant and cold. The fights over Ellie had come after.

She looked away and crossed her arms in front of her.

“That’s a—”

“Yes, I know it’s a defensive posture, thank you.”

“Faith, I say none of this to hurt you,” he said gently.

“I need this!” she said, hating how plaintive she sounded.

“Do you?” he asked gently.

“I …” her lower lip trembled. “I … Ihatethat he had me like that. I can handle being in pain. I can handle being hurt. I can handle dying, but I cannot handle being so … utterly powerless. He tied me to a chair, told me he was going to make me scream, then did it. I promised myself I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of screaming, and I screamed. I screamed and cried, and I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t …” her voice trailed off, and she once more looked away from Doctor West.

“Faith, you were tortured,” Doctor West said softly. “You can’t seriously expect yourself to refrain from a natural physical reaction to extreme pain. That’s not a sign of mental deficiency, Faith. Frankly, tonotscream and cry would be a sign of mental deficiency.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “It doesn’t matter because I was utterly powerless, and I’ve been utterly powerless ever since that day. It doesn’t matter until I beat him, and I know it’s not really him, and a small part of me will always carry the memory of that chair, but if I can beat him, if I can beatthisDonkey Killer, then that part of me will be much smaller.”

“You haven’tbeenpowerless,” he countered. “You’vefeltpowerless.”

“No,” Faith said. “I know words have power, and these words are the honest truth. I havebeenpowerless since Trammell cut me because I cannot stop seeing and hearing and feeling andsmellinghim since that day, and I have lashed out and pushed away those closest to me, and I will lose the only people in my life that I care about if I don’t stop him.”

Her words hung heavy in the air for a long while. Doctor West looked down at his chin for a long moment before finally saying, “I’ll offer you this thought before we close our session for today, Faith. If you beat this copycat killer, the part of you that’s tied to Trammell’s chair will become much smaller, maybe even small enough to manage for the rest of your life. If, on the other hand, you choose to stand up out of the chair yourself and walk away from it, then that part of you will disappear.”

His words now hung in the air, silently and just as heavy. After a moment, he again broke the silence by saying, “I know you’ll do whatever you want regardless of what I or anyone else says, but please consider my advice. Youcanovercome your trauma. You just have to be willing to sacrifice your fear.”

Faith considered his words as she drove home. She knew he was right. If it were someone else in her position, she would very bluntly—very “coldly”—tell them to move on.

It was so much easier said than done, though.

EPILOGUE

“I’ll be honest with you, Bold. The only reason you still work at this Bureau is because you’re a media darling right now.”

Faith sat in the upholstered chair in front of the Boss’s desk. The Boss stood in front of the desk, staring down at her with a deep scowl. His tone was uncharacteristically subdued, which made it all the more sobering. To his right, Special Agent Clark stood with his fingers interlaced in front of him, his face a mix of frustration at Faith and a desire to be anywhere other than present for the dressing-down of a fellow Special Agent. Turk sat next to Faith, staring at Clark with a strange look on his face. Outside, Michael glowered through the window, having been repeatedly told to leave the office until finally Faith told him it was okay and that he should leave.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, sir,” she said calmly.

“I would absolutely love to hear why you think I should feel differently,” he said in that quietly menacing tone.

“Because, sir, in the past twenty months, I’ve put four major serial killers behind bars. In three of those cases, I’ve intervened and saved the lives of would-be victims, and in all four of those cases, I’ve apprehended those criminals at great personal risk including loss of my own life. You asked me when I returned if I was ready to come back to work, and I have proven time and again that I am. I acknowledge that I violated policy when I intervened—”

“Interfered,” the Boss interrupted.

“—in the Copycat Killer case, but I don’t believe that justifies removing me from the field.”

“In short, the good outweighs the bad.”

“That’s an incomplete way of putting it, sir.”

“It’s a succinct way of putting it,” he replied, “unfettered by bullshit self-flattery. Bold, I shouldn’t have to explain to an agent with nearly ten years of experience that interfering in a case you have been specifically told to stay away from is a major breach of conduct. I shouldn’t have to explain to you that my decision to deny you the copycat killer case was out of concern that your mental state was not such that you could handle the case, and I shouldn’t have to explain to someone of your intelligence that your behavior thus far has absolutely justified my decision.”

Faith’s jaw tightened, but the Boss had left her no room to retort, so she remained silent.

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