Page 71 of Savage Assassin

That’s the only excuse I have for what I say.

“You only had sex with me because you thought we were going to die, didn’t you?”

The words come out sharper than I’d intended for them to, and I see Levin’s face go very still the instant I say it, his jaw tightening. He says nothing, looking away, and somehow that just makes me even more upset than before.

“Well?” I fight back the sudden burn of tears in my eyes. “You might as well tell me the truth.”

I see the tension that ripples through him, the clench of his hand as he swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. I can see him trying to decide what it is that he’s going to say exactly.

“Or just sit there, and we never talk about this–”

“Yes!” Levin turns towards me, his blue eyes flinty. “Is that what you want to hear, Elena? The truth? Yes, I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I was supposed to take care of you, not fuck you.” His jaw clenches harder, the muscle in the hollow of it leaping. “And I failed at both,” he adds bitterly.

I stare at him, feeling a flash of regret for how I’d spoken to him. “You didn’t fail,” I whisper, softening my voice as much as I can. “We’re going to be safe now. We’re on this ship. Going to Rio. We’re fine–”

“We’re not out of the woods yet,” Levin says tightly. “I still have to get us home.”

He stands up then, pushing himself to his feet as he looks down at me. “Iwillkeep you safe, Elena. I’ll do everything I can. I’ll fight and kill whoever I have to in order to get you back to Boston and your sister. But–”

Levin swallows hard, taking a deep, resolute breath. “I won’t touch you again, Elena. Not like that. I can’t.”

“Why?” The question comes out before I can stop it, more pleading than I want for it to, and I wish I could take it back. I see the hint of regret in his eyes, and that upsets me more than anything, because I don’t regret a single second of it.

What he does is worse than an answer. He looks at me for a long second, as if considering what he could possibly say, and then he shakes his head, turning away from me.

He walks away, towards the stairs, leaving me alone for the moment. I don’t doubt that he’ll stay close enough to make sure I’m safe, that no one will be able to touch me. I’m not afraid for my own safety, not with him here.

What I feel is so much worse, hollow and empty, a longing and a sense of loss that I can’t describe, because I’ve never had the opportunity to feel it before.

I watch him go, and a part of me almost wishes that we were back on the beach. That I could rewind and go back to when he held me in his arms, and I felt closer to him than I’ve ever felt to anyone in my life. When I learned what it was like to be wanted in that way.

I don’t want anyone else. I want more ofhim.

But he doesn’t want the same.

We’re going to Rio. He’ll get me home. And then I’ll be with family again. It will all be fine.

But as I watch him walk away, all I can think is that I’ve never felt so alone.

It’s going to be a long trip home.

---