Page 129 of Be My First

I lean in and whisper. “Do you want to go upstairs? We could be alone.”

He looks horrified and whispers back, “While everyone’s in the house?”

“We don’t have to announce it or anything,” I say.

He shakes his head. “No, I can’t do that.”

God, I’ve thoroughly freaked him out. I pat his arm and say, “I’m going to grab some hot chocolate.”

Once I’ve poured some hot chocolate, I go sit out on the porch swing and sip it.

Seth is my boyfriend. There’s a lot of things I like about Seth, but to be honest, there’s a lot lacking. Particularly in the bedroom. Well, outside the bedroom too. I am happy to be with someone, and it’s not like he’s awful or anything, but I can’t help comparing him to Bode. Seth isn’t very adventurous. I think he’s a bit self-conscious.

When we’re in bed, I have to tell him what I want – Bode just seemed to know. Even kissing – I guess since I was so inexperienced, I didn’t realize it, but Bode is a great kisser. Frankly, he’s a great lover. I let out a deep sigh. Very generous. He was just a little domineering but also gentle.

I sigh again. It’s not like I just walked away from that.Hedidn’t want to be withme. If it was up to me, we’d be together. But it’s not just up to me.

And I get it – Bode is a billionaire. Young. Handsome. Really Sexy. Apparently a great kisser and an even better lover. I’m sure he wants to date around. Men like that don’t settle down until they are older. I get that he didn’t want to commit to me. It was pretty naïve and foolish of me to think he might. But I feel like every man I’m with will be compared to him, and I don’t think it’s fair to them. If I didn’t know any different, I’m sure I would think Seth was good in bed. Or at least okay in bed.

I need to stop comparing. It’s not healthy for me. It’s not healthy for my relationships, but it’s so damn hard to stop.

Chapter Forty-Seven

Bode

Isee her sitting onthe porch swing alone. I should mind my own fucking business, but she looks sad. She just had some sort of awkward exchange with her boyfriend after she tried to kiss him under the mistletoe. What the hell is wrong with that guy? He basically pushed her off him.

I step outside. As soon as she sees me, she says, “For fuck’s sake.”

“Good to see you too,” I say.

“Don’t you have somewhere else to be at Christmas?” She practically snarls.

“Nope. My family’s dead. Remember?” I answer.

She looks horrified and closes her eyes. “Shit. Bode. I’m sorry. That was a really insensitive thing for me to say.”

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