Page 56 of Be My First

“That’s why I’m fun to be around,” she quips. Her eyes are sparkling right now.

I know I’m obviously flirting with her now, and I should stop but instead I say, “Yes. Goddess Juno, you really are.”

Our eyes linger on each other for much too long before she nods her head for us to start walking again, and then she says, “What do you think of the idea of pleasure and marriage not being mixed?”

I look at her out of the corner of my eye. “It sounds fucking awful.”

She leans her head back and laughs. “I mean, there’s no cheating.”

“For men,” I counter. “Women weren’t allowed to go outside their marriages. You said marriage was for economic reasons and legitimate heirs. Legitimate heirsmeans the women can’t be with anyone else. You want to know for certain it’s your baby.”

She considers this. “Yeah. That makes sense. So your wife is just for...breeding?”

“Basically.”

She makes a face. “That’s awful. Surely the women had affairs or something?”

I shrug. “Probably some of them.”

“Well, what if marriage and pleasure was separated but not just for men? Men and women. Would that be better?”

I shoot her a look. “Like an open marriage?”

“No. Like your spouse would just be a platonic partner and then you’d find sexual fulfillment elsewhere.”

“Would you want that?” I ask.

“No. I don’t think so. You don’t like that idea?”

“I want it all,” I say. She does a little double take, and I choose to ignore it. “Love, companionship, partnership, and pleasure.”

“Is that possible?” she asks.

“Don’t your siblings have that?” I say.

She smiles. “Yes, they do. They are really happy and in love. I think they are lucky. Not everyone has that.”

I don’t respond, and she seems lost in thought. We continue to walk and then she says without looking at me, “Have you ever been in love?”

My skin tingles. I answer without looking at her. “Once. You?”

She just shakes her head. “Never, unfortunately. Who was she?”

I stare straight ahead and say, “Just a stranger, and it was short-lived.”

She stops walking again so she can look at me. “You fell in love with a stranger?”

“Briefly.”

“Like a love at first sight sort of thing?” she asks.

“I guess.” I say. I feel my cheeks start to warm.

She tilts her head to the side. I really don’t like how she’s looking at me. “I don’t think I believe in love at first sight.”

“I didn’t either.”

She considers this for a moment and then says, “What happened? Why aren’t you with this stranger?”

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