Page 115 of Be My First

“Yes – with Eli. My life is very intertwined with his. I see him practically every day. We run a business together. If shit hits the fan...”

I roll my eyes.

“And I doubt your other brothers would approve either.”

I don’t get it. I thought we had an understanding. I thought he got that I’m an adult. I don’t need to ask my brothers’ permission to date someone or even fuck someone for that matter. My private life is private.

“Are you okay? I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened,” he asks. I blink back tears.

“It’s been a hard week. Both of those Secret Service agents had been on my detail before. I knew them well. They were really good men – married with families. The funerals were...”

My voice catches. I’m exhausted. My body feels weary and heavy. His face softens, and he steps forward and wraps me in his arms. I can’t hold back the tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he says, softly. “I’m sorry about everything, and I’m sorry I left.”

He hesitates and then leans in and kisses me. I sigh softly when our lips touch. He slides his fingers in my hair.

He takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom. I follow him to the bed where he slowly undresses me and covers me with kisses. I lose myself in the moment and then fall asleep in his arms afterward.

Chapter Forty

Bode

Itook her to bed eventhough I promised myself I wouldn’t again. She felt so good in my arms, under my body. We made love twice and then she fell asleep. Guilt nearly overwhelms me as I watch her sleep.

I know I should stop this. I should walk away, send her home, but I can’t. I’m in too far.

Her face is so beautiful right now, and it makes my chest hurt. I hate the pain that’s she’s experienced this week, and I hate that I made it worse.

I resist the urge to sigh out loud. This is why I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her in the first place. I feel too much for her. She’s not mine. She shouldn’t be mine. I told her yesterday this is because of her family – my professional and personal relationship with Eli, but that’s only half true.

I am concerned about the fallout from this, but it’s more than that. I know I’ll hold her back. She needs to live her life. She’s been so sheltered, and she needs the opportunity to be young and free. I know if she’s in a relationship with me I’ll stifle all of that. I can’t do that to her. She’s not ready for the sort of relationship that I want right now. She doesn’t want it. I don’t want it for her – she’s not at an age to settle down. She’s at an age to find out what she likes and doesn’t like. She needs to discover what she wants for her life on her own.

My chest tightens.

I have to end this. I have to break her heart – and mine.

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