Page 82 of Shiver
I am none of those things.
Yeah, he enjoys sex and messing around, but he’d always been up front about his intentions. You can’t blame a person for that. He was honest every time. It’s not his fault that everyone falls in love with him. Why wouldn’t they?
In all my years, the only future I’ve seen for myself is my career. While I’m not necessarily certain what I want to do with my degree, I know that my education and career will always be the most important things to me. I love learning. I love science. A part of me even loves to teach though as a caveat, only to those eager to learn.
My biggest dream is to be successful based on my intellect and where I take myself with it. It isn’t about money or prestige. It isn’t about glory or getting my name on some highly sought award. I don’t need to name a planet or a bacterium.
For me, success is measured by reaching the goals I set forth. And I am fucking good at that. Every goal I set in any aspect of my life is always met. To me, that makes me successful.
Now the vision of my future is all over the place. My career is no longer my first priority, which is only marginally terrifying. Heavy on sarcasm because it’s downright horrifying. What do I do with my life if my career is not my sole focus? How do I ensure I reach the level of success that I set for myself when there is something so unpredictable and variable as another human being?
And yet, even with the addition of Egon in my future, there is no questioning it. When alone, I may have momentary panics, but since I’m spending every waking moment making sure we pull Egon out of the dumpster fire that I set, I don’t have much time to focus on it.
The only thing that I am certain about the future is my end goal. I’ll have a career when I decide on one. And I’ll have Egon Wolf by my side. In my arms. The only living, breathing thing that has any bearing on my life.
How we get there, how I move around whatever obstacles are sure to come, is another thing I can’t spend time on even though not doing so is causing me stress.
None of that matters. The only thing that matters is Egon.
Another glance at my watch tells me it is late enough that, as long as I pack up slowly, I won’t be stupidly early waiting for Egon. I meet him at every class I can. Walk him to the next one. Make sure he eats and drinks. I make sure he is well taken care of. Make sure he knows that he is the only reason I live and breathe.
Yes, I hear myself. Fucking dramatic. My mind is turning into one of those sappy Hallmark movies. Pathetic.
Doesn’t change the fact that it feels true.
Outside the building where my office is located, there’s a line of student crafters lined up in the quad. While I am annoyed with the crowd it brings, I stop when I notice a flower made out of playing cards. Not just any cards. These are black with foil blue faces and backs.
I buy one. And when one seems a little lonely, I buy two more. With paper flowers in hand, I head to the arena and lean against the post I always do. And wait. Watching people walk by as I twirl the fake stems between my fingers. Debating what I am going to get for Egon for Christmas.
It’s not a holiday we celebrate in my house. But it is such a commercialized part of the U.S., we often exchange gifts. My mother has even been reduced to decorating one of the sitting rooms in our house.
The decorations change from year to year, but I almost smile at the thought of her putting things on the walls. Replacing our traditional knick knacks with cheesy holiday ones. And my father sitting in the corner watching her, indulging her, while also scowling about the whole thing.
The door opens and I meet Egon’s eyes. He grins, coming toward me. He is still covered in sweat, his workout clothes clinging to his muscular frame. I accept him in my arms all the same, because I don’t care what is all over him. I’ll take him in my arms any chance I can get.
He wraps me tightly, burying his face in my neck and taking a deep breath. He smells like sweat. Not the kind that makes him stink yet, since he wasn’t actually wearing what he’d gotten sweaty in. But it won’t be long before the sweat dries and he needs a shower.
Luckily, we always go straight home from here.
“Missed you,” he murmurs.
His words always bring a smile to my face.
“Missed you, too, baby,” I say quietly, kissing just below his ear and earning a shiver in response.
He pulls back to look at me, his gaze shy. I love that he always appears shy. So fucking beautiful. “I have something for you,” I tell him and watch his face light up. It makes my heart race to see. And a pang of regret forms in my chest for just a moment, knowing that I’d ever replaced that look with something horribly sad.
Egon is always so focused on seeing me here that he rarely sees when I have something with me. So I’m not at all surprised that he missed the playing card flowers in my hands. I bring them around and offer them to him.
His grin spreads wide. So wide his lips part and he’s beaming, teeth showing and all. “I’ve never been given flowers before,” he says as he stares at them. “I had no idea how much I’d enjoy it.”
I brush his cheek with my finger, wiping away a bead of sweat. His gray eyes meet mine and I’m left with the single thought I always am when I see his eyes. So damn beautiful. Everything about him is beautiful. I never stood a chance.
“Thank you,” he says.
Pulling him to me again, I kiss him softly. “I’ll bring you flowers all the time, if you like. All manner of flowers.”
He grins again, kissing my lips once, twice. “You don’t need to bring me flowers. Just being here when I need you is everything.”
