Page 75 of Shiver
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. It’s not enough. It’ll never be enough.
I see him swallow again, and he skates to where I am behind the board. He stares at me for a minute before pressing his gloved hand to the glass, as if he forgot it was there and needs to touch me to convince himself I’m real.
What have I done to this man?
Swallowing roughly, I press my hand to his through the glass. “I’m sorry, Egon.”
“Where have you been?” he asks. I don’t actually hear his words, but I can read them on his lips.
“I’m so fucking sorry. I’m here now.”
His brows scrunch together. I’m not sure he understood me. His face crumples as if I hurt him all over again.
“Wolf,” the coach calls. Egon doesn’t move as he stares at me. “Wolf!” Egon takes a breath and looks at his coach. “Let’s go. Ice.”
Egon looks at me again, a clear plea on his face.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I promise. “I’ll be right here watching you. Fuck some shit up, baby.”
He takes a breath as his coach bellows to him again. But he gives me a slight nod. He’s still hesitant to back away, afraid I’m going to disappear again. I remain standing, making sure he can see me no matter where he is.
His game picks up and while he doesn’t score in the second period, he’s back to stopping the puck from getting to the goal. He looks at me when he does, just to see if I’m there. I smile, mouthing to him that he’s a badass and I’m proud of him. Each time, he gives me a small, unsure smile, but turns back with renewed determination.
The third period finds him scoring twice and assisting once. Egon dominates the last period and his teammates are all over him. Even though they lose 4-3, his team is ecstatic.
Egon turns to me as his team heads for the chute. He skates for me and stops, staring as the stands around us empty.
“I’ll be at your entrance,” I tell him, raising my voice so he can hear me over the arena noise. “I promise, Egon. I’ll be waiting for you.”
He nods, but I can see that he’s not convinced.
“Go. I promise. I’m heading there right now. I’ll be there when you come out.”
Egon turns but looks back at me several times. When he’s gone from sight, I go to the players’ entrance and wait for him. Leaning against the light pole like I always used to and watch the door like a stalker.
My heart is pounding. What am I going to tell him? What should I say? How can this even be? He should have moved on. Gotten over me. I’m nothing. I’m not good enough for him. Why is he so upset still? Why is he still hurting?
How do I take it away when I’m the one who put it there?
I’m not waiting long before Egon comes out. It’s obvious that he barely took a shower. His hair is still covered in soap, his face is damp. His suit clings to him strangely. He stops as soon as he’s out the door and sees me. His eyes are glossy and his face filled with hurt.
He takes a breath and walks toward me. When he’s within reach, I touch a strand of his hair. “You could have rinsed off,” I tell him gently. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait for as long as you need me to.”
Egon licks his lips. “Where have you been?” he asks quietly, his deep voice shaking.
Inhaling deeply, I tell him, “Egon, I’m a dick. I’m so sorry.”
Tears well in his eyes as he presses his lips together. “You’re here now.”
I nod. “I’ll never leave again, Egon. If that’s what you want.” I don’t even know what I’m saying. But one thing I know is that this time, I’m telling the truth. I would go through life living with the regret of not being what this man needs if he is happy. But he’s not. And if he wants me, I’ll do whatever the fuck it takes to be the man he needs.
He drops his bag and walks into me. I wrap him tightly and feel his body tremble.
“What did I do?” he whispers.
My eyes burn as I feel the hurt in his words. “Don’t do that. You have to believe me when I tell you that what I did had absolutely nothing to do with you.”
“It’s not you, it’s me?” he mutters.
