Page 42 of Shiver
Rake nods, his fingers moving gently over my leg. “We can talk about it or not. Or if you’d like to talk to someone other than me, there are counselors in the medical center.”
That’s probably the healthiest idea. But the thought of talking to anyone at all right now about everything going on in my mind feels far too daunting. So I shake my head instead.
He sighs. “Egon.”
When he doesn’t continue, I shift my head so I can look at him. His eyes are dark. His hair is neatly brushed back. The perfectly shaved lines on his face make my fingers twitch to reach out and touch him.
He’s wearing one solid color in a three-piece suit. A silky dark navy blue that I’m dying to run my fingers over. I know that means he was teaching today. The way it fits him, stretched over his hard body, is glorious. He’s so sexy.
The thought makes me flinch and I turn my face away, feeling it heat.
Rake chuckles. His hand curls further under my thigh, close to my straining dick. “What do you need, Egon?”
I shake my head, no longer knowing. “Talk to me,” I say, finally remembering the reason I called him to begin with. Just to hear his voice. Thinking that will settle the scrambled eggs that are filling my mind. Or is it thick soup that’s clogging everything up?
Leaning my head back against the wall, I close my eyes and listen to his smooth voice as he talks to me about chemical systems. I don’t realize at first that’s what he’s rambling on about, but when I do, I snort in laughter. “Really? Taking this moment to teach me?”
He looks at me with a smile touching his lips. It’s such a contrast to the one spreading widely across my face. “Never miss a chance to tutor your pupil,” he says, that smile climbing slightly.
“Thanks for this,” I tell him. “I didn’t know what else to do.” My gaze unfocuses as I stare at nothing. I feel numb now. A little empty. All the confusion and its friends have drifted to the corners to settle for a little while. They’ll sneak up on me later, I have no doubt.
His hand slides up my leg and turns, taking mine in his. My heart jumps as I stare at our intertwined fingers. I swallow the lump in my throat before looking up to his face. He’s watching me. “It’s okay and completely normal to feel lost and tangled, Egon. I’ve always known I like guys, so I can’t tell you I went through it. But I can tell you I’ve seen many men who have.” He shifts his body, angling himself toward me so his opposite hand can reach my face. Cupping my cheek, he says, “Whatever you need, all you have to do is tell me. Okay?”
The tone of his voice makes me sink into him further. I’m not confused at the feeling that settles in my chest; I understand it perfectly. IlikeRakesh. A lot. In all the sappy, happy, warm ways that I wanted to feel for Temca. That I thought I had felt for her. But this is different. It’s genuine, as opposed to me wanting it so badly that I could imagine it there.
It’s not the feelings that confuse me. It’s that they’re directed at a man. I don’t know what to do with that.
“I don’t know what I need,” I admit. “I’m sorry if I pulled you away from something.”
His thumb traces over my bottom lip and I have to stifle the tremor that threatens to rock me. “You needed me; I’m here.”
The urge to cry is for something different this time. Not nausea or dizziness. I would never have thought that someone dropping whatever they were doing for me when I needed them would strike me so deeply and make me forget which way is up.
I swallow, lips parted, as I stare at him. I need to kiss him. Is that a need I can tell him?
Rake gives me one of his small smiles. One that I can’t help but feel is reserved for me alone. He pulls himself to his feet and then brings me with him. I wait for it all to hit again. But when I don’t even sway, I release a sigh. “Thanks,” I say quietly. It’s only now that the embarrassment settles over me, making my skin feel hot.
“Come on,” he says, taking my hand again. My bag goes over his other shoulder, and he leads me out of the building. I don’t even think to pull my hand free, even as I’m conscious of being watched. I barely notice where he’s taking me when we stop at the door to the hockey rink. “Gym, right?”
“I kind of love that you know my schedule,” I say as I peer through the window in the door.
He chuckles. I turn back when his knuckles brush my cheek. The look in his eyes is soft and filled with concern. “You okay now?”
I nod. “Yeah. I am. Thanks for finding me.”
Rake nods. He hands me my bag and flashes me another small smile. “Call me if you need me. If not, I’ll see you after practice.”
When he walks away, I watch. And while, yes, I definitely acknowledge that he’s fucking attractive, I’m watching because I can’t help everything else I’m feeling. Not the physical reaction that really upsets my world, but the emotional one that feels a lot safer to think about.
* * *
Friday is sunny and bright.Not a shock for Arizona. The day is long as I wait for the game to approach. I stop in my room to change into a suit before heading to the arena early. I’m the first in the locker room and change immediately so I can head out on the ice.
I haven’t avoided my team and yet, we haven’t spoken much since the day they pissed me off over Rakesh. Their words keep playing in my head over and over and I can’t help but question what their tones had been. Were they disgusted? Warning me? Making sure I know that my tutor is gay, like that matters?
The thoughts concerning that day keep spiraling and I always end up with the same counterquestions. What if they knew that maybe I like men, too? Are they going to be whispering to everyone that I’m gay? Has their friendship been contingent on whether or not I like pussy? What if I like it less these days?
And then even more ridiculous thoughts invade my mind. Like, if they find out I’m interested in Rake, will they blame my identity crisis on Temca cheating on me? Would they say I’d been so hurt and traumatized that I turned to a man for comfort? Or maybe that she’s so bad in bed that even a guy is better.
