Page 78 of Shiver
“When I get bored, when I start picking apart women in an attempt to determine what the hell is so fascinating about them that men are interested in them at all”—I laugh at that because I can’t help myself—“I know that I’m far too bored and need a new challenge. But you see, it’s not just the challenge of seducing a straight man. That’s not, you know, inherently evil. Unless you ask the Church. They would disagree. But once they want me, once I’ve got them convinced that they enjoy dick, once they’re begging me to keep them… I get bored again.”
This is no longer amusing. My muscles are tense as I wait for him to say it. My stomach is tight, sour, as I feel the contents curdle.
“And I leave,” he says quietly. “And I don’t come back.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. It takes me several attempts to ask. “I was your challenge?”
Rake’s hands on me tighten. “Yes,” he whispers. “But I didn’t leave because I was bored. Far from it. I’ve never met someone who I just inherently click with. Who is so easy to get along with. Anyone Iwantto be around and who Iwantto spoil the fuck out of. Who I want to see their smile and make them laugh. Who makes sex not feel so transactional but so full of pleasure instead.”
I’m like a fucking child as my tears begin to fall.Again!It’s so frustrating that I try like hell not to acknowledge it, even as his words feel like a punch in my kidney. Like a hippo is sitting on my chest, preventing me from breathing.
“I left because I was too scared of what I was feeling for you. Egon, I’m not only a fucking dick, but I have zero experience with my own emotions. I’d like to tell you that there’s some childhood trauma or even a heartbreak responsible, but the truth is, I’ve never allowed myself to become that vulnerable with someone. So when I realized that I wanted you so fucking bad that I’d do anything to have you, I ran the other way. I was convinced I’d ruin you. That I’d never be enough. That I can’t make you happy. I’m not unconvinced of any of this, but I told myself that if you were happy, if you’d moved on and found someone worthy of your heart, then I’d survive.”
His words echo in my head as I take it all in. It’s a strange admission that has my chest warming and the pain of the truth right before that makes me want to curl up and cry. He left me because I was just a challenge to him. He wanted to seduce the straight man. And then he was done!
For a minute, that’s the only part I can concentrate on. Then the rest of his admission penetrates the fog of misery, making it hard to breathe. I haven’t just been punched in the gut. I’ve been run over by the Zamboni.
“You came back,” I whisper. “Why?”
He sighs. “You stopped texting me after a week. You stopped coming by.”
“I didn’t think you were going to answer,” I whisper.
His fingers curl in my hair. “When you stopped, I thought you had moved on, Egon. I thought you finally realized I was just a dick not worthy of you and you’d moved on to find what you really deserved. I had no idea that you were upset. Or how upset you were. I walked by the arena today and noticed the stats.”
I flinch, cringing at what I know they look like.
“I was baffled. Some girls found me staring and were commiserating. They said it’s your fault. That you’re just a shell now. And I couldn’t process that. I didn’t understand. So I went to the game so I could see for myself. I was still convinced that it had nothing to do with me. That maybe the new coach just wasn’t gelling with the team. But when I saw you, I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew it was my fault. I could see it in your eyes when you looked at me.”
“Not your fault,” I say, trying to keep myself together. “You don’t have to be with me.”
Rake pulls away, pushing me onto my back and cupping my face so he’s staring right into my watery eyes. “You’re not listening, Egon. There’s nothing in this world I want more than you. But I fucked up and hurt you in a way that’s so fucking unexcusable. Unforgivable. You’re mine. You’ve always been mine. Now I just need to know if you can forgive me.”
“Forgive you,” I echo, a little confused. Did he say he wants me?
He rests his forehead on mine and takes a deep breath. “I’ll never apologize enough. I fucked up. I told you, I have no idea what I’m doing. No relationships. No heartache. I’ve never had to deal with more than surface emotions. I don’t know what I’m doing and that scared the fuck out of me. So I did the only thing I knew how to do.”
“Disappear.”
Rake nods. “Exactly. I left. I ran away. Awfully cowardly, don’t you think?”
“Why didn’t you just say something?”
He sighs again and pulls his face up so we can look at each other. “Because I thought this was better. You deserve someone who is a whole fucking person. Who isn’t stunted in their goddamn emotions because they don’t trust anyone enough to not run away with their tail between their legs at the first sign of something new and daunting. I’m not convinced I can be that person, Egon. I have this deep fear that I’m going to keep fucking up and hurting you because I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Then I think the first thing we need to agree on is that you don’t just shut me out and disappear again,” I tell him. “That’s not an acceptable reaction, Rake.”
He laughs, probably at my tone. “No, it’s not.”
“And you need to talk to me about whatever it is you’re feeling. I hear people say communication is important or something.”
He laughs again. “Fuck, Egon.” His lips cover mine and my entire body lights up like he just brought me back from the dead. I wrap around him, convincing him to settle his weight on top of me. “This means you still want me?”
I stare at him, barely recognizing him for how open he’s looking at me. Letting me see his hurt, his fear, his vulnerability, and so many other things crowding in his eyes that I can’t even name them all.
“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Rakesh.”
He sags a little and I know it’s in relief. “Then, while I know I don’t really have the room to demand anything—”
