Page 76 of Shiver
I sigh and squeeze him tighter. “Fuck, that sounds lame, but I swear to fuck, Egon, that’s what this is. I’m fucked up. I’m a dick. You did nothing wrong. This is all on me. Every bit of it.”
He sniffs. His body is still shaking, but I don’t think he’s actually crying.
A new pit forms in my stomach, but I push the words out anyway. “Come back to my apartment with me. I’ll tell you—I’ll tell you why. I’ll tell you anything. And then you can decide what you want.”
“What I want?”
I nod, feeling that knife in my chest all over again. It takes me a minute to get the words out because now that I’m touching him again, I never want to let him go.
“Whether you want me in your life or you don’t.”
“Wolf.”
He sighs and I can feel how tired he is. Reluctantly, he pulls from my embrace and looks into my eyes as his teammates begin trickling out the door. I’m sure my eyes are as bloodshot as his are. He’s got tears drying on his cheeks and I reach up to brush one away.
Egon turns slowly to look at his team and I pick up his bag and sling it on my shoulder.
“You coming out with us?” one asks. The concern in his voice is clear.
Egon looks at him for a minute, then glances at me. I need him to hear me out. I need to tell him. That way, when he walks away, he can do so with a clear conscience and closure. Knowing that he’s a fucking amazing person and I’m not.
He shakes his head. “I’m tired,” he says, and he doesn’t have to fake it. His voice sounds exhausted. “I’m going…” He doesn’t finish.
“Are you sure?” one asks. I think that’s Caulder Haines. The face that had been in Egon’s tablet screen when he’d called me from an away game. I appreciate that he’s concerned for Egon. That he cares and is acting a little protective as he steps closer.
Egon gives him a weak smile. “Yeah, I’m good. Just tired.”
Caulder’s eyes look at me and I can see his disapproval. He looks back at Egon. “Call me if you need anything. Promise!”
Egon smiles a little fuller this time. “Yeah, I promise. I need to do this before I can sleep.”
My heart beats harder. His teammates accept this; though I think they do so reluctantly. Egon turns back to me and looks at his bag on my shoulder. He doesn’t try to take it, but turns to head for the sidewalk.
I can’t stop myself from touching him, since my time to do so might be limited. So I touch his arm and let my fingers slide down to his hand. I link my fingers with his. I’m relieved when he grips my hand tightly in return.
He hasn’t walked away yet. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him. I’ll be whatever he needs me to be. Egon Wolf is mine, and this time, I’ll make sure he knows everything about me. Hopefully, he still wants me even after I’ve bared my black soul to him.
TWENTY-EIGHT
EGON
I thoughtI had been imagining him in the seats next to the box. So many times I’ve looked there, hoping that I’d see his face, smiling just for me, but when I blinked, the mirage of Rake would disappear. Because he was never really there.
But when he never faded away today, I didn’t want to do anything else but stare at him. Touch him. The boards made that impossible to do, but he was there. I could see him and he stared right at me. He spoke to me, even if I couldn’t hear him over the noise.
His presence breathed life back into me. I felt like a weight was lifted, even as confused as I was to see him again. Suddenly. As if he were an apparition. I half expected him to disappear. So I kept looking. Kept seeking out his smile.
And he was always there. So I played. Because I needed him to keep smiling at me. I needed him to be proud so he wouldn’t leave again.
Now, walking back to his apartment, my heart is beating frantically. I’m not sure I want to hear where he went or why he left. But I need to. I know I need to. Even if I might not like the answer. And what if it’s something awful, like he killed a person and he was on trial? What if he skinned a kitten? What if he…
Yes, I sound ridiculous. Even in my head.
We step inside and Rake turns to me. His gaze is intent, as it always is. He stares for a long time, searching my eyes. I’m not sure what he’s looking for, but I’m positive all he’s finding is exhaustion. I’m so tired.
Ever since getting out of the hospital, I just feel like I was run over. No matter how often I head to the gym, my time is shorter. My reps are fewer. The weight I press is less. I’m just so tired. I’m slower on the ice. Not as quick with my stick.
I’m just so damn tired.
