Page 73 of Shiver
Rake would have known by looking at me what’s wrong.
The thought makes me suck in a breath as everything comes crashing back down. My heart monitor begins dancing all over the place and before I know it, a nurse rushes in. Coach is forced to leave and I try desperately to catch my breath, so I don’t have a fucking stroke or something.
Rake kicked me out. He didn’t want me.
He didn’t want me.
He didn’t want me.
A tear, unbidden, falls down my cheek as the nurse checks me everywhere. Trying to find what’s wrong with me. Why my heart is suddenly falling apart. I grow numb to it. To the beeps. To her flitting about the room. To another two people joining her.
I stared at the ceiling and let another tear fall.
* * *
It’sa few days before I get let out of the hospital, after the doctor determines that there isn’t anything physically wrong with me. I think he knew. I think the doctor knew that I was just a pathetic piece of shit suffering from being dumped.
That’s what it feels like. But then, he never said we were together. When I asked if I could tell my teammates about us, he didn’t answer. Every time I brought it up, he’d not answer.
Because he didn’t want them to know. He didn’t want anyone to know. I was his secret. Because I was fucking pathetic. The way I needed him to take care of me. To hold me and coddle me and snuggle me. How upset I was when Temca cheated on me and I didn’t even like her.
Why would he want anyone to know he was sleeping with me?
So I don’t end up in the hospital again; I make it a point to eat. And drink. I set so many alarms on my phone to tell me to do so, and to remind me to go where I needed to be, that my phone is constantly going off.
But I keep the reminders. Otherwise, I probably would sink back into the darkness and let it consume me.
Just another reason I’m too weak for Rake. Who would want me when I was pining after someone who didn’t want me?
I went to classes but wasn’t there. I went to practice but wasn’t there. I sat at games because I was in no shape to play. I went to the gym but absently stared at nothing.
My teammates kept me going. Though to be fair, I wasn’t much company. They dragged me all over the place and kept the puck bunnies away from me when they tried to touch me, making me cringe. Thankfully, it didn’t take them long to figure out I didn’t want to be touched. So my teammates made sure no one touched me.
Wherever I was, I stared at nothing. Remembering. Trying not to, but also not wanting to forget. The way he touched me. The way he looked into my eyes. How soft his voice was when he told me I was perfect. That he’d take care of me and protect me.
My chest hurts. Breathing hurts. Everything hurts.
I think I love him. But he doesn’t love me.
And now I’m broken beyond repair.
TWENTY-SEVEN
RAKESH
I love my family.Being home for a few days was nice, but it became too much, far too quickly. I wasn’t sure what it was about being there that seemed to drive a stake through my heart more with every passing minute, but I was suffocating in misery.
It made no sense. I’ve never brought anyone home before and if there was one place I should have been able to escape Egon, it was home. But that’s not what happened. And I couldn’t even blame it on the fact that my uncle was there, and he’d asked about Egon.
That hadn’t even happened. He couldn’t get home for Thanksgiving. Being an NHL coach is demanding, and he was stuck in Anaheim. No one asked about Egon. No one knew about him. And yet, his absence rubbed me raw.
It became so much that I left Friday morning and headed back to campus. I had no intention of actually returning to campus because there weren’t classes. I had no need to be there. But I thought, since I was home early, I’d stop at my office and pick up the papers I’d avoided grading.
On my way back, I walked past the arena. I don’t know why I did it. There wasn’t any need to. But I knew there was a game today and I… I just wanted to hear the shouts of excitement. I wanted to feel like I was close to Egon for a weak minute.
I don’t even look at the building as I pass. Keep my eyes straight ahead while concentrating on listening for the fans inside. Just as I come level with the big doors, I hear it. I started to smile, but the smile fades when I realized they are booing.
Curiosity makes my feet falter and I look at the doors in confusion. I mean, it could have been that the other team happened to score. It happens. Even for the Coyotes. But when I look, I spot the board that shows the stats for the year. When I last looked, the Coyotes were 3-1, a fantastic lead.
