Page 70 of Shiver
I don’t have a right to care. I tell myself Idon’tcare. It’s just curiosity.
But I never allow myself to look. I don’t want to see his happiness. Just knowing he’s stopped looking for me is enough. He’s moved on. That’s all I need.
I’ll suffer through whatever bullshit that’s making me a miserable headcase as long as Egon is fine. And he has to be. He’s far too good for me.
An eye roll escapes before I can stop it as I drop into my desk chair. Once, I would have said I was too good for him. But Egon… he’s pure. He’s good. He’s not the usual hothead, arrogant jock I’m used to fucking around with and breaking.
He’s something I never thought I’d find. Someone I never thought I’d care about.
Not that I care about him. I don’t.
A knock on my door makes me stiffen. I whip around and stare at it in horror. No. Oh, no, no, no, no. When I don’t answer, my ass staying basically glued to my seat, another knock hits my door and I flinch.
It’s not Egon. That’s not Egon’s knock.
Curiosity and dread fight inside me as I stand and head for the door. I wait, shifting on my feet, getting myself under control and slipping my indifferent mask into place. At least I think it’s there. I’ve forgotten what it feels like.
Slipping the door open slightly, I almost sigh in relief when I see Rykka standing there with a hand on his hip and glaring.
“What’s wrong with you making me wait? It’s not like this place is big and you had to travel a mile to reach the door, Rakesh.”
His sharp tone makes me smile. I rub a hand down my face and step aside, allowing him inside. I haven’t let anyone into my room since Egon. As much as I wanted to erase his memory, I also didn’t want anyone else to tarnish it.
That thought makes me still, and I stare at Rykka’s back in horror. He’s going to taint Egon’s memory by being here. I try to think of where I can hurdle him so he doesn’t touch anything Egon had. Not the chair. Egon sat in that chair all the time while we studied. Sure as fuck, not my couch or bed. Not my desk.
Before I can tell him he needs to remain standing, Rykka drops to the chair and looks at me expectantly. I just stare at him, standing in the door with the knob held in my hand keeping it open.
“Are you expecting someone else?” Rykka asks, frowning at me.
What’s wrong with me?!
I need to get my shit together. Egon is gone. He’s not coming back. I did this. For the right reasons, even if not in a decent way.
Shaking my head, feeling how stiff it feels to do so, I shut the door. Though, I can’t pull myself from it quite yet as I breathe deeply, forcing all the emotions deep inside and shutting that shit down. I don’t need to deal with Rykka right now. I’m already acting like a fucking idiot and will have plenty of questions to field.
Pulling my hand forcefully from the door, I turn around and head for the fridge. Grabbing two waters, I join Rykka at the table and hand him one. He watches me, stares, examining my face as he sips his water.
“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Rykka says.
I shrug, nodding. “Been busy,” I answer, my voice sounding distant,even to my own ears.
Rykka nods slowly while he takes another sip. “How’re classes?”
Blinking at him stupidly, it takes me far too long to comprehend his question. Right. I’m in school. I not only teach classes, I’m attending classes.
Fuck, I’m falling apart.
“Fine,” I answer. Truthfully, I have no fucking idea how any of my classes are. Even being there, attending or lecturing, I’m not there at all. I don’t know what I’m saying or hearing. “They’re fine. Yours?”
Rykka frowns. “Normal.”
I nod. Glancing around my room. Waiting for Egon to pop up and tell me he can’t share me with someone else.
Fuck! I blink angrily and stare determinedly at Rykka. No Egon. This is madness and it needs to stop. I can’t do this.
Rykka leans forward and rests his hand over mine. He never touches me. I’m not exactly a cuddly kitten, so I just stare at his hand, confused. “Rake, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I’m here if you want to talk. I don’t need to say anything at all. Or I can commiserate. Get angry with you. Tell you that you’re being a fool. Whatever you need. All you have to do is say so.”
Unbidden, tears sting my eyes. My heart stutters painfully. I swallow the breath I can barely inhale.
