Page 28 of Shiver
Sighing, Rake says, “Just breathe, Egon. I’ll be right back.”
His words settle over me in the same way any other instruction he’s given me in the past month does. Easy to follow. To understand. I close my eyes and listen to his voice across the room. The door closes. A rustle of something. And then he’s back.
His gentle fingers brush my forehead, making me open my eyes. He’s right there, looking at me with concern.
“What did you see?” I ask, though I don’t want to hear.
He purses his lips. “The other guy didn’t need convincing,” he says gently.
I flinch, even though I’m expecting his words. My eyes slam shut as I curl further into a ball. His fingers remain gentle on my forehead, brushing my hair from my skin as I try to catch my breath.
“You know what? This is my fault. Karma hates me,” I say.
“No. That girl being a slut isn’t a reflection on you, Egon.”
“I mean that the one girl I actually want is a slut,” I say. “All through high school and the last couple years, I made it very clear to every girl I hooked up with that I wasn’t interested in a relationship of any kind. I wanted fun. I wanted stringless, meaningless sex. And no matter how many times and in what way I said it, they always seemed to be hurt and upset when I ended it.”
“If you were clear on your intention, it’s not your fault,” he says.
“You say that, but like fucking clockwork. Every goddamn girl, Rake. I’d tell them before I even get too many words out. I tell them I just want sex and fun. That’s it. A week later, a month later, when I tell them I’m done now, they’re upset and betrayed and hurt. Apparently, I fucking deserve this.”
“This is an entirely different situation, not at all related to the past you.”
“I told Temca that I wanted this to be different. I wanted to be with her. A committed relationship. And I thought she felt the same way. That she understood I was busy, and I’d give her as much time as I could. I didn’t think she was going to take that as permission to fuck everyone else.”
All those times people told me that Temca was hooking up with someone else and I’d defend her. I must have looked like a fucking idiot.
“I knew she was a slut, but I liked her. I just-I just thought—” My words cut off as my voice cracks. Despite how I tell myself that she’s obviously not worth crying over, I can’t fight the tears anymore.
It’s ridiculous. I haven’t even been into seeing or touching her the last few times we were together or hanging out. I thought I was just tired. Our time together was feeling like an obligation more than something I enjoyed. That should have been a huge indication that I wasn’t into it.
I can’t answer the question of why I didn’t move on. Why I continued to protest accusations against her. Why I pretended that I still had the perfect relationship. That picture-perfect girlfriend that every athlete is seen with.
That was my life. So I must have been doing something right.
Another knock on the door and Rakesh leaves. I almost reach out, so he’d choose to stay instead. Ignore whoever is at the door. I need him.
Instead, I close my eyes and let myself wallow in my self-pity. In my stupidity. My refusal to listen to my friends and teammates telling me about all the others Temca’s been seen with.
Ugh, what if I caught something?! I always use condoms; but fuck, who knows where her mouth has been! If she tried to force Rakesh to take a bj for his silence, I can only imagine how easy it is to get in her mouth.
Hell, Iknowhow easy it is.
Rake returns and I cringe. His fingers leave me. “Sorry,” I whisper. “I just realized that I let her mouth on me. I no longer know where it’s been.”
He hums, his fingers returning to my forehead, and I relax. “I’m sorry,” I murmur after a few minutes have passed. “This isn’t how you wanted to spend your night.”
“Tonight was about you,” he says in his usual smooth, elegant voice. I shiver at the sound, feeling the way it sweeps over and through my body. “And while my plans were a bit more on the fun side, if this is what you need tonight, then this is what we’ll do.”
“I don’t know what I need,” I whisper, eyes open now and staring at nothing. “Thank you for telling her no.”
He chuckles. “Egon, regardless of who she is to you, I’d have told her no.”
“I’m going to pretend you did it for me,” I tell him.
His hand pauses. I’m not sure if it’s what I said that made him hesitate, or that instigated the sigh he lets out, but a moment later, his fingers move further into my hair and I close my eyes again to soak up the comfort he’s giving me.
“I guess maybe I did,” he says quietly. “Egon, I saw her with someone else the other day. I just didn’t tell you.”
