Page 68 of Voyeur
“Don’t you ever apologize to me. You don’t owe them anything. I think Sarah is just reaching a point in her life where she is trying to reconnect. Growing up and falling in love will do that to you.”
“I’ll send a card.”
“Okay, Callum. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.” She exhaled heavily. “Well, I just wanted to call and see how you were doing and pass the news on. I won’t keep you from your wild life.”
“Very funny, Mom. Tell Dad I said hello.”
“Will do. We’re about to do a couple’s cooking class tonight. He’ssoexcited.”
My chest rumbled with laughter. My dad hated cooking but would do anything for my mom.2He was close to retiring and my mom had taken full advantage to go on as many dates as she could with him. He grumbled about it most of the time, but he enjoyed it because she enjoyed it. They were a love anyone would aspire to.
“Well, you two have fun tonight. Love you.”
“Love you too, baby.”
I tapped the end button and set my phone in line with my stapler.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath in through my nose, holding it for five seconds, then slowly letting it out through pursed lips. And then I did it again until I felt like I was in control of my body. I hated that I still needed the breathing exercises this long after everything. Hated that the mention of a family member could cause me to need them.3
Then I began to take stock of my body, the way my heart beat at a normal pace and didn’t hurt with each thump. I wasn’t rubbing at my skin, in desperate need of a shower after the phone call. I wasn’t pacing away from my desk, taking long pulls of bourbon straight from the bottle.
I closed my eyes and breathed again, feeling more centered when I pictured Oaklyn’s face behind my eyelids.
She was the only thing different than my last birthday, when I’d received a card from his family, and I’d spent the week locked in my bedroom drinking until I passed out and then repeat. She’d shifted something inside me. Like maybe where there was only darkness and doubt, a bit of light shone through, reminding me I wasn’t done yet. To not give up just yet. She gave me hope and made me want to try harder for that promise of a future.4
I laughed at the juxtaposition of the feelings she gave me. She calmed me and centered me, but also pushed my limits of control. The two emotions twisted inside me and I didn’t know what to do with them. All I knew, was that I wasn’t ready to give up on anything. Not my control and definitely not her.
Maybe I’d take the step and go to the wedding. If I kept making improvements, maybe it wouldn’t seem like such a mountain to climb. And if I had Oaklyn by my side, I could conquer the world.
My phone buzzed, and my eyes shot open to see who it was.
O: Want to see me tonight?
I barked out a laugh and immediately responded. My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard, happy to hear from her so soon. I sent a quick message back, inviting her over, into my space, promising dinner and then got to work.
* * *
“This is delicious,”Oaklyn said around a bite of pasta.
She had been tense when I opened the door, but I’d pulled her into my arms and whispered my apologies up and down her neck until she’d laughed and demanded I put her down. Just like that, she smiled up at me with her golden eyes and no lingering hurt or questions. Looking just as excited to see me as I was to have her there.
“Thank you. I slaved over it all afternoon.”
She raised an eyebrow and smirked at me. “And do you always serve your freshly made meals in aluminum containers withLucia’s Italian Kitchenon them?”
“All the time,” I answered with a straight face, before finally laughing. “What can I say, I’m not the greatest cook, and it’s just me. No need to be good at making elaborate dinners.”
“Callum, this is spaghetti. It may not be the elaborate meal you think it is.”
“Hey, there’s some asparagus.”
“Okay,” she agreed laughing. “It’s just disappointing to see such a large, beautiful kitchen go to waste.”
“Yeah, the house is a lot.”5
“Why did you buy a house this huge just for you?”
I looked down, watching the tines of my fork twirl the noodles, avoiding looking at her. “I’d hoped it wouldn’t always be just for me. I wanted—want—a family. I’m just not sure it’s possible for me. I thought maybe if I bought the house, I’d feel more pressure to get over everything and start one.”
