Page 104 of Wild Flower

“Thanks for coming,” I say tentatively when they walk up. My instinct is to kiss them each on the cheek, but I’m not pressing my luck. “Becca, Finn, this is my sister Valeria.”

“Call me Val,” she says, offering a hand, which they each shake kindly before sitting down.

It’s followed by an awkward silence as Becca’s eyes cut from me to my sister and back again. I should apologize. I’ve recited words in my head half-a-dozen times, and yet, now that she’s here, I don’t know where to begin.

“We ordered you drinks,” Val interjects, cutting the silence. “They should be here any minute with sparklers a-blazing.” Val points to her drink. “They threw something in this one and it exploded like fireflies!”

“Cinnamon,” Finn says. “It’s highly flammable.”

“That’s a hot tip!” Val laughs. “I might have to try that one at home.”

“Highly flammable,” Finn repeats dryly. “There’s a disclaimer at the bottom of the menu advising against home experimentation.”

“Like a car commercial?” Val jokes. “Do not attempt. These are professional waiters. That kind of thing?” Finn points to the menu. “Well, I’ll be damned. You weren’t kidding.”

The conversation dies again like a sparkler doused in a drink. I appreciate my sister trying to make small talk, but I’m the one who should be taking the lead.

“Right, so,” I begin, pausing to clear my throat. “I went to the doctor today.”

“What?” Becca and Finn say it in unison.

“Val went with me,” I explain. “It was a routine PET/CT scan. Well, I should’ve had one about four months ago, but …” I add sheepishly. “We won’t know anything for another week.”

My thumb is tapping incessantly on my napkin.

“How long have you had—did you have—?” Becca asks, her voice weak. My eyes cut to Finn and he shakes his head.

“I didn’t tell her anything,” he says. “This isn’t mine to tell.”

I turn to Becca. Her eyes are wide with concern, and she’s so damn beautiful I could just sit here for hours and look at her.

“I—I’m—” I cough and start again. “I’m sorry I lied to you. You’re a dream come true, Bec, and I just wanted to keep things normal. I didn’t want to burden you with this. I didn’t want to burden anyone.” I nod to Val. “I’ve been dodging her calls for months. I just wanted to run away from this thing—lymphoma,” I correct. “It’s lymphoma. They found the first lumps in my armpit a few years after my parents died. It was pretty serious for about two years, then I hopscotched in and out of remission.”

Becca reaches across the table and puts her hand on mine. It’s such a small gesture, but it makes me bite back the emotion that hitches in my throat.

“It was just easier to run away,” I confess. “Move to Hawaii. Start over. Tell no one.” I look at the name of the restaurant behind them. “Well, I had to tell Arie, so I didn’t get fired. There were a couple of weeks a while back when—” I shake myself. “The point is, I got into this thrill-seeking cycle: cliff jumping, wild rides, women. Push my limits and keep everyone at arm’s length. Have fun. That was it. That was the plan. Have fun until it was over. The end.”

“Is that all this was for you?” Becca asks softly, retracting her hand. “Just fun?”

That pinch in my chest twists again.

I shake my head. “I’m a coward. I’d be lying if I didn’t say a part of me wants to bail on you right now and sayyesto that question because it would be easier.”

Becca’s jaw tightens.

“But it would be a lie,” I add. “I nearly had a panic attack in that MRI machine this morning. There’s nothing to do when you’re in there but think and relive all the shitty days of chemo and night sweats and not knowing if I should plan for next Christmas. But I did it—for you, and Finn, and Val.” I take a second to look at each of them. “I’m going to be a wreck until those results come in, and I’m going to be a wreck the next time I have to do another scan. I hate living like this—like I’m not in control, like my body will betray me at any second. That’s why I wanted to forget everything and live in the moment. At least, that’s what I thought I wanted … until the photography opening.”

I take a sip of my cocktail, which is a bad idea because the chili sends me into a coughing fit. They wait patiently.

“At the opening, you said you wanted space,” I continue, my voice cracking. “And that felt like losing my parents all over again.”

Everything around me slows, every detail coming into hyper focus, sort of the opposite of one of Finn’s photos. There’s the pinch in Becca’s brow, the way Finn leans forward, and Val’s unsteady breathing. And there’s that ache in my chest, wide as a canyon about to crack open.

“I—I—,” I struggle to find words. “I didn’t think I’d let someone into my heart like that again. I knew I’d been lying to you, Becca. I knew I was going to have to find a way to tell you about my cancer, but I was paralyzed with fear. And when you found out, all of those fears came true.” I sag back in my chair, my vision going hazy with emotion. “Losing you was worse than being told I have cancer again. Losing you was like … I don’t know, not being able to breathe. God, that sounds cheesy.”

My hands start to tremble, and I instinctively pull my medallion out from under my shirt and grip it tightly. I did this a thousand times after my parents’ funeral and then again when I got my diagnosis.

“I love you,” I manage. “I loveboth of you.” I look at Finn, because he deserves as much of an apology as Becca does. “So I called Val and we made an appointment with the doctor, because I can’t keep running from this. I want a future. Preferably with the two of you, but if you can’t forgive me, I still want it. Even if that means it’s just me and Val.”

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