Page 121 of Gin and Lava

“Only because you’re letting your gender down! You own a sparkly phone, woman. How have you not seenSay Anything?”

“You’re going all-in on the sexism, aren’t you?”

“I mean, clearly I’m the one with the vagina in this fake relationship,” he jokes.

“You can be a guy with the big dick who loves rom-coms,” I point out.

“It’s not really a rom-com,” Mason corrects. “It’s more of an epic coming-of-age, learning-how-to-adult, romantic masterpiece.”

“You can be the guy with a big dick who’s a romantic at heart,” I correct.

“Don’t let that get around, Princess. I’ve got a—”

“Reputation to uphold,” I finish for him. “Yes. I know. But what if I like this romantic version of you better?” If he’s going to challenge who I present to the world, then I’m going to do it right back to him. “What if you’re a foul-mouthed romantic with a big dick?”

Mason squeezes me tighter. It’s like he’s trying to suppress all the pussy-jokes and crass things he wants to say to ruin this moment. “After this is all done, I’m showing youSay Anything,” Mason promises. “And if you don’t sob like a baby, you’re officially not human. I can’t believe you don’t know who Lloyd Dobler is.”

“I can’t believe you think you’re not sweet,” I say, snuggling in against his chest.

“It’ll be our secret, Princess.”

And despite all our lies and fake-personas,that’sa secret I can get behind.

37

MASON

In the 80s movieTop Gun(starring the greatest actor of all time, Tom Cruise, who yes, I obviously have a man crush on. A truth, I’msweetenough to admit now, because it probably gets Naomi wet). Right, I was saying … in the filmTop Gunthere’s a scene where all the young fighter pilots play volleyball on the beach—shirtless. Was that an excessive amount of man-flesh for an 80s movie? Yes, it absolutely was. Did it get all the 80s ladies hot under the collar? You bet my big dick it did. Why am I bringing this up? Because right now, I’m on the beach outside Naomi’s beach house living out that scene in real life.

Of course, I’m not a fighter pilot (nor is anyone else), but the amount of man-flesh on display is ludicrous. I’m also not Tom Cruise in this scenario. I’m Goose. You know, Anthony Edwards, Maverick’s literal wingman who’s the epitome of geek. He’s the guy the production made wear a T-shirt so you weren’t distracted as you feasted your eyes on the Tom Cruise/Val Kilmer erotic-fest that was this groundbreaking 80s volleyball scene. Yes, Goose is also played by the actor who later got uber famous for being the nerdy, balding, doctor on ER.

I’mthat guy.

Why? Because in a moment of weakness, I invited Ned, and Connor, and Simon to this beach-side volleyball challenge, thinking I needed Flambé reinforcements and forgetting the fact that everyone associated with that restaurant is ripped like a Greek God. Mount Olympus was definitely one big orgy fuck-pad. Challenge me on that. I dare you to tell me different.

Even Shauri’s shirtless groomsmen on the opposite side of the volleyball net are packing more muscles than their Washington-white-chests would boast. And of course there’s Trifecta, who we all learned while snorkeling is ready to join the Olympian orgy.

The ladies are lounging on the shore in beach chairs and bikinis. Naomi, Shauri, and her bridesmaids (whose names I don’t know) have been joined by Olivia, Arie, and Kendall. Naomi can call me out on sexist comments all she wants, but every single one of those so-called “wild feminists” is currently ogling us like they’re Mogwai who were fed after midnight and have turned into salivating Gremlins.

The weird part is Naomi is only looking at me.

Oglingme.

Granted, the prime specimens of man-beef that are glistening in the sun and diving into the sand are not single. Even Simon managed to throw down the official boyfriend-girlfriend card with Kendall the wedding planner from Ned and Olivia’s big night. I guess that event proved to be more important than just the Twilight-Zone episode that was Naomi hooking up with me. And yes, my best friend did get married, if you call that important. Pansy.

My point is Naomi can window shop the man-meat all she wants. I’ve spent most of my life in the zone oflook but don’t touch, and I firmly believe that a little eye-undressing from afar is fair game. But Naomi hasn’t even glanced at Connor’s bulging pecks, or the fact that Ned thinks having a six-pack makes him a better lawyer. Simon’s probably the “softest” of the bunch, if soft means you believe Clark Kent isn’t actually Superman under his clothes. Kendall keeps makingMan of Steeljokes about her new beau, but Naomi barely glances at Simon’s Christopher Reeve status. (And for the record, Christopher Reeve is theonlySuperman that matters. Period.)

Naomi’s not even eye-undressing Trifecta. That guy has been trying his best to sparkle like a diamond in ten layers of tanning oil to get her attention, but she’s not falling for it. He dove for the ball, covered himself in sand, washed off in the ocean, and came back dripping, but Naomi’snotgiving him the time of day. Hell, I’ve probably been sizing up Trifecta’s hunk-of-man-chunk more than her, just because I feel so damn jealous of his perfect body. But every time I give Naomi a suspicious look, she just bats her eyes and smiles at me, blowing me kisses like a love-sick kitten.

I mean a love-sick pussy. Damn, I’m getting soft. I like that Naomi thinks I’m sweet. Actually, I more than like it, which is unsettling. But it’s also put me out-of-sorts, especially with all this volleyball, man-flesh, testosterone running around like we’re gladiators impressing the fair maidens. I should’ve made half a dozen off-color jokes in the last half hour, and even Ned and Connor are taking notice.

“Are naughty jokes off-limits? Is that part of your arrangement?” Connor asks me under his breath as he brushes past me with the volleyball under his arm. It’s his turn to serve.

“You want to put your cock in my mouth and gag me for not reaching my quota?” I sass, saying it loud enough for the girls to hear my potty mouth and for me to make my point.

“Hey,” Connor shrugs, nodding subtly to Trifecta. “Hot doc over there used to bone yourfiancée. I just expected you to be roasting his tiny pickle and pissing in the sand like you’ve got territory to mark.”

“You want me to pull my cock out and draw lines in the sand?”

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