Page 141 of Gin and Lava

I wish Esme was here.

Esme was supposed to be my wingman for this week. She was supposed to be my buffer when Sam got under my skin, and my sounding board when they got complicated. When did all my good friends leave Hawaii?

I pull out my phone and start texting.

Naomi:When are you showing up for this wedding? I need back up.

Naomi:Also, I have to tell you something about Sam.

I strip the rest of the beds and start another load of laundry before Esme texts me back.

Esme:I’m on set with Des. But I can text. Or do you need a phone call?

Naomi:I need you to get on a plane and fly over here.

Esme:Dramatic. You sound like my sister. What’s wrong?

I stare at my phone, not sure how to answer that. Whatiswrong? Sam wants to get back together with me. I wanted that, right? I wanted to make him jealous, and I did. So why do I feel like an empty shell of myself?

Naomi:I think what’s wrong is … I got what I wanted.

Esme:Explain.

Naomi:The fake boyfriend thing worked perfectly. Sam is jealous AF.

Esme:So … ?

Naomi:Exactly. It doesn’t feel as good as it should.It’s just confusing.

Esme:Revenge never feels good.

Naomi:It wasn’t revenge. I just wanted him to regret leaving me. And he does. He actually wants to get back together.

Esme:Oh.Is that something you want?

That’s classic Esme. She’s not going to tell me what she thinks, instead she loves to deflect by asking questions. If I was texting Shauri about Sam, she’d be shouting over social media that Sam and I were together again before I’d even talked to Sam about it.

Naomi:I don’t know. I should feel all bright and excited and light headed about it if I want to get back together. Shouldn’t I?

Esme:What do you feel?

Naomi:Conflicted. He’s familiar and comfortable. There’s something easy about him. He’s what I thought I always wanted.

Esme:But that’s changed now?

Naomi:You realize you should be a therapist with all these questions.

Esme:You’re avoiding answering.

Naomi:See!

Esme:What do you want now?

I’m quiet for a long minute trying to parse that emptiness I feel in the center of my chest. But there’s only one thing I know for certain.

I don’t want to be my mother.

That’s what I want. I don’t want to be broke and dependent and used by every guy I’m with. And Sam’s the opposite of that life, isn’t he? That’s why he seemed so perfect.

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