Page 48 of Accepting Love

Hannah

I take several deep breaths but continue to pace the small dressing room I’ve been assigned to at the symphony hall.

Audrey is tucking my makeup and lip gloss back into my makeup bag. She’s smiling encouragingly, but she also looks concerned.

Kingston is leaning against the door, trying to look casual. I know he’s attempting to stay out of my way and not wanting to upset me.

I glance at him. “You’re going to sit in the front row on the end next to Audrey, right?”

“Yes, angel,” he says softly. “Unless you’ve changed your mind and would rather I stay in here. I can do that too.”

I shake my head. I appreciate how much care he’s taking with me. I know inside he’s stressed about how I’m feeling today. He’s doing everything in his power to help me make this odd transition as seamless as possible.

I’m in love with him. That might be crazy. He’s been officially in my life and in my home for three days. But I was probably half in love with him before he stepped into my life as Kingston and met Carolina.

Kingston has said very little to me today. He helped me get ready this morning, but other than that he has stayed out of the way, letting Audrey run the show. It’s what Audrey’s used to. It’s what I’m used to.

Except nothing is the same. Everything is different. Because he’s here in the room, using all the oxygen and dominating me with his eyes. How does he do that?

I can’t even look at him because every time I do, I tremble under his command. Maybe it would be better if he left. Left what? The room? The concert venue? The city? The planet? He couldn’t possibly leave my head, so what good would it do for him to leave my presence?

I need to be on stage in ten minutes, and my hands are shaking. My fingers are cold too. I keep wringing them, stretching them, fiddling with them, but nothing is helping.

I step in front of the full-length mirror so I can see myself and remember who I am. I’m wearing a long black dress that fits comfortably at the top and flows to the perfect length at my ankles. I have on my favorite black ballet flats that I like to perform in. The front of my long hair is pulled back in a sparkling clip. I have on makeup. Mascara, lip gloss, light eye shadow, rouge.

I haven’t worn a bra since the night of my first date with Daddy, and when I inhale deeply, I’m reminded of its presence. It’s supposed to be making me feel like my adult self. I’m not sure it’s working.

I’ve struggled to live in my adult skin for many years. It’s a constant battle for me. One I usually win at least long enough to fool the rest of the world. I’m not winning right now.

“Carolina.”

My breath hitches at the sound of Kingston’s voice, deep and firm. I turn to look at him.

He doesn’t approach me. “You look beautiful. You’re an amazing talented woman. Go out there and play your heart out like you do every day.”

I swallow and nod. He’s giving me an order. It might be helping.

“Take a deep breath,” he commands.

I do.

He gives me a goofy grin. “You should probably let it out too.”

Lordy. I exhale slowly.

“We need to go,” Audrey says.

Kingston opens the door and stays out of the way. On my way by him I hesitate and look into his eyes. After a second, I reach up and touch his lips. “Thank you.”

He kisses my fingertips but says nothing.

I’m glad he stays behind and doesn’t follow me as I make my way to join the rest of the musicians. Ten minutes later, I’m standing on the stage, facing the audience. My gaze roams to the spot where I know Kingston and Audrey will be. They’re in their seats. Kingston is smiling at me.

I turn around and sit on the bench, taking a moment to center myself and adjust my skirt. I go into my performance head. In there it doesn’t matter if I’m an adult or Little. In my performance head, I’m just Caro, the pianist. I know nothing but the feel of the music in my soul. I’m home when I’m playing. All is right with the world.

I sit straight and lift my hands to the keys. And then I play like I always do. I play for myself. I play for my audience. I play for anyone who will listen to this recording later. This time I also play for Daddy. I know he’s smiling behind me but I never once look at him during the entire performance.

When it’s over, I’m so relieved. I did it. I performed with Kingston in the audience. I survived. Nothing bad happened. I take my bow and head for my dressing room.

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