Page 53 of Broken Bridges

“We had a lot to drink. The music was pumping. We slipped a molly and hit the dance floor. You know that moment when you’re high and the beat takes over you and every sensation is heightened? It was so crowded. Tia and I were dancing. Close. Too close.” Bile rose up my throat, adding to the sickening taste that was already in my mouth. “And...we kissed.”

“You kissed Tia?” Disbelief rocked his tone. Then...he laughed. “Aren’t you into dudes?”

The pounding in my head throbbed harder. That wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. “Yes. I am. Absolutely.”

“Well then, I wouldn’t worry about it.” He leaned back, straightening a cushion behind him. “We’ve all done crazy shit under the influence of drugs and booze.”

How could he be so chill when I was losing my shit? “But you don’t understand.” My blood pressure still hovered in the danger zone. “Ever since I’ve met Tia, there’s been this vibe between us. I can’t shake it. It’s not normal. It’s not right. It’s not me.”

“Are you overthinking this? Or, oh shit...” Flint’s eyes widened. “Did you fuck her?”

“No.” But God, I’d come close to dragging her into the restrooms and having my way with her. I’d been turned on before, but with Tia, my whole body had ignited. I swallowed hard, willing my gut to settle. “I’ve never been into women. The only time I’ve kissed a girl was at college in a dare to win twenty bucks. I’ve only ever been into men.” I’d known I was gay since I was twelve, if not before. I had my first kiss at fifteen. Dan had been in the band I’d played in at school. One afternoon, in my basement, our other friends had left to head home for the day. I’d been nervous as hell. So was he. We’d been touching and flirting with each other for weeks. But that fumbling, awkward kiss had been right. That kiss had set me alight. That kiss had led from one hot moment to another and in the heat of it all, we’d gone the whole way. I’d never looked back.

Flint’s eyebrows shot upward. “You’ve never slept with a woman, just to experiment?”

“No. Never. I’ve never been attracted to women.” I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. Visions of Tia danced behind my closed eyelids. No. No. No! “I ran away from home when I was sixteen because I was gay. I’ve always been gay.”

“Wait...what?” Flint held up his palm. “You said you left home to live with your Pop, not run away.”

My heart constricted and cracked. Ran away. Left home. It’s all the same to me. “It’s a time in my life I want to forget.” But I’d never be able to erase the look of fear and hate in my mother’s eyes when she’d busted me making out with Dan a few months later...nor the sting of my father’s belt across my ass. “My parents are homophobic, conservative, religious, narrow-minded people. I ran away to avoid conversion therapy school. They wanted to send me to a reprogramming facility to change my sexual orientation.”

“Holy fuck.” The blood drained from Flint’s face. “I didn’t think conversion schools still existed.”

“Yep, they do.” That cold October night I’d left home, fourteen years ago, was still crystal clear in my mind, like it had happened yesterday. “The night before I was supposed to leave with the pastor, I grabbed my packed duffel bag, stole one hundred dollars out of my old man’s wallet, and caught a bus to Brooklyn. I’ve never looked back. I had to leave. I didn’t want to end up like my oldest brother, Lee. He’s gay. The minute my parents caught him kissing a guy, they shipped him off to some horrid school.”

“You dirty, sick boy!” The disgust in my father’s tone when he’d beaten Lee still rattled in my ears.

As I glanced at Flint, my breath shuddered through my chest. “The school brainwashed Lee into thinking he was straight. They made him believe that being gay was deviant behavior. They’d fried his mind. He was never the same when he came home. My parents forced him to marry some chick they knew through a family at church. He’s lived in an unhappy hell for fifteen years with a wife and had two kids because he’s afraid to be his true self. He’s still gay. I swear he is. I didn’t want to face the same fate he did.”

Lee was one of my three siblings I kept in touch with. The other three held the same views as my parents, so we had nothing to do with each other.

Confusion rippled across Flint’s brow. “What has this got to do with Tia?”

“WE KISSED!” Frustration elevated my tone. “For the first time in my life, I’ve questioned who I am. I’m into men, not women. My parents would be ecstatic if I ended up with a chick. I don’t want them to be right. How fucked up is that?” Fuck! I’d had nothing to do with my folks for fourteen years. Not since Pop made me call them when I arrived in Brooklyn, to let them know I was safe. They’d told me to never step foot inside their house again. I’d been burned by their lack of love and rejection. Scarred from being disowned. Now, I felt nothing for them. Fuck ’em.

“Lewis.” Flint’s ice-blue eyes reflected the anguish that had lodged in my chest. “I don’t think one kiss will alter who you are overnight. So stop stressing. But life changes. I can certainly vouch for that. So what if you’re into men, and now into women as well. Maybe you’re like David on Schitt’s Creek—you’re ‘into the wine, not the label.’ Maybe you were just fucking high and had a bit of crazy fun. But at the end of the day, does it matter who you end up with? Love is love, right?”

“Yes. Of course, love is love.” I slumped back in the sofa. But was I as narrow-minded as my parents if I couldn’t accept the possibility that happiness could come in a different package? Was I now bisexual? Shit. I was too hungover for this crap. “I just never thought I’d end up in this position. I’m a grown man. I should be able to handle this crap instead of being freaked out.”

Flint scratched his stubble. “I’d probably do the same thing if I’d made out with a man. But take a breath and chill. It’s okay. In the last six months, you’ve lost loved ones, moved across the country, and started a new life. You’ve been going through some heavy shit. So has Tia. Maybe you’ve just connected over life changes. Don’t read too much into it.”

Flint’s calmness and understanding eased a fraction of the pressure in my skull. I wouldn’t have read anything into this issue with Tia if I honestly didn’t feel something for her, but I did. And I didn’t know how to process that. “She’s just messed with my head.”

“Tia will do that.” Flint puffed air through his nose. “She probably tried to kiss you just to see if you would. She’d do anything to cause a stir. She’s always been like that.”

I hadn’t gotten that impression, but I hadn’t known her for long. “It wasn’t some joke. But I messed up.” As I stared out the big window into the garden, I rubbed the back of my neck. I had to prepare for any fallout this may have caused. “I’m sorry I broke the dibs rule. I don’t want to cause problems in the band or be kicked out.”

“Oh yeah, Cole will be pissed.” Worry sifted through his eyes, but then he half-grinned and lifted his chin. “I should have a go at Tia for breaking the rules, not you. But listen...” He leaned forward and spoke with a soft tone that loosened some of the knots in my gut. “You’re fine. We joke about the dibs rule, but we’re not teenagers anymore. You can’t help who you’re attracted to or who you fall for. We’d never dictate who you could and could not date. The stupid dibs rule was an attempt to avoid hurting each other, but trust me, it hasn’t worked.” He rubbed his palms together, back and forth. Back and forth. “But Tia is like a sister to me. I’ll always look out for her. So, is this what you’re stressing about? Are you actually into her?”

Closing my eyes, I willed the fog in my brain to disappear. I couldn’t deny that there was something between us, but it went beyond questioning my sexuality. Opening my heart to even the possibility of love had me breaking out in a cold sweat. I’d been burned badly. Falling hard for Emilio who hadn’t felt the same way for me as I had for him had left a deep hole in my chest that would never heal. I’d promised myself to not let my heart lead me astray, and that was exactly what it was trying to do. Was I into Tia? Yes...no...maybe...“No. I’m not.” Liar.

Flint shrugged a shoulder. “Then we’ve got nothing to worry about, right?”

Cole stormed into the room and headed toward us. “Oh, we have a fuckload to worry about.” Slip and Tia followed him.

As I stole a quick glance at Tia, my skin prickled. I’m sorry darkened her eyes.

But Cole drew closer.

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