Page 65 of Tutor With Benefits

I’m on my way out the door after class on Friday, glad it’s the weekend. It’s been a long week, mostly because I haven’t talked to Johnny, and instead of being worried about it and wondering what to do to get him to talk to me, I’m more concerned with what I’m going to say to him when he does start talking to me again.

My mind has been going in all different directions since that conversation I had with the guys over the weekend.

I was floored when they said they loved me. I didn’t expect that, and I wasn’t sure how to react. Not because I don’t feel the same, I do. And I said so. And even now, I would tell anyone who asked me if I loved them that I do. But that’s not why I’m confused now.

I’m confused because I talked with Anna again last night, and instead of helping me with this situation she made it even more complicated.

“Yeah, you said you were practicing with them so you would know how to date Johnny or whatever,” Anna said after I asked her if she remembered how I had mentioned what was going on with Zach, Taylor, and Cory.

“Right,” I said. “I mean,practicingis kind of a strange way to put it considering the fact I’m having sex with them.”

“All three of them?” Anna asked me.

“Yes.”

“Damn, you go girl!” she said. “That’s impressive. Quite the change from the you I lived with.”

“I guess,” I tell her. “But that’s not what my issue is. They said they loved me when I went over to see them over the weekend.”

“Wow,” Anna said.

“Yeah. And I said I love them, too,” I told her.

“Wow again.”

“Yeah,” I repeated. “But now I don’t know what to do. Like, I do love them. I love all three of them. But like, I don’t know what to do about Johnny.”

“Do you love Johnny?” she asked.

“I think so,” I told her. “How could I not? I have been crushing on this guy for the past year at least. How could I just turn that off?”

“Okay, okay, slow down,” Anna said. “So you said that you love these guys, that’s nice. But are youin lovewith them?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“I mean you can love a lot of people, but being in love with someone is different. Like, right now you could say that you love them, but you are in love with Johnny. Or you’re in love with them, and that’s why you don’t know how you feel about Johnny. Or maybe you’re in love with all four of them?”

“God, why do emotions have to be so complicated?” I asked.

Anna laughed. “Because where would the drama be if they were easy?”

“So what do I do now?” I asked. “I mean, I told them I love them, but I’m not sure if I should give up on Johnny. But if I do keep going with Johnny, is that wrong with what I’m doing with them?”

“I’ve always considered the make it or break it moment to be when you talk about it,” Anna told me.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean, have you told them you want to be with them and not Johnny?” she asked.

“No.”

“Have you told Johnny you want to be with him?”

“No,” I said.

“Then you’re not really cheating. Shit. You’re not really even doing anything but dating at this point. Sure, you might want to be careful with the wordlove, but at the same time, if you aren’t sure that you are in love, then I would say you need to figure that part out before you make any real decisions.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll work on that then.”

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