Page 44 of Wild Hearts

I press my lips together and nod.

“I hate him,” Brady says. His voice is soft but fierce. A plethora of emotions swirls through his intense gaze. “I hate him for everything he did to us, to Mum. But he’s my dad.” He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “And Theo’s my brother. Myhalf-brother,” he corrects with a shake of his head. “It’s not his fault. He’s just been caught up in all of this bullshit like the rest of us. And now there’s another baby on the way. What am I supposed to do with that? Forgive him for everything he put us through?”

My tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth. This isn’t the first time he’s told me all of this. My mind drifts back to our night in Newcastle, before his dad had made the decision to leave them. Before Ivy’s birthday. Before everything between us had crumbled to pieces. My mind flashes back to the memory of the usually confident Brady breaking down in my arms over the secrets he was hiding at the time. Anger, shame, and guilt were eating him up inside.

The way he had been so vulnerable and let me see a side of him that he kept hidden away from the rest of the world. This feels different. It’s not him keeping secrets anymore, now it’s me – in more ways than one.

I can’t tell him about what happened. I can’t tell him why we can never be together. I can’t tell him that I’ll always wish things had worked out differently. It would kill him. I know he’s going to find out, but in this moment, I can’t be the one to tell him. I may be a coward, but I’m not ready to deal with the fallout.

“Part of me wonders...” Brady’s voice is soft, but it cuts through the silence that has built up around us. “Part of me wonders if it’s my fault. Was I not good enough for him?”

My eyes widen. I stare at the boy I’ve crushed on for almost half my life. “What? Why would you even think that?”

Brady shrugs. “Maybe if I’d been a better son, or if I’d been a better surfer, he wouldn’t have cheated on Mum. He wouldn’t have knocked up Tarshia. I wasn’t good enough, so he had to try again. Maybe Theo will be the son he can be proud of.”

His head drops into his hands again, and my stomach clenches at the sight of his deflated body. It’s too much for me.

Pulling myself to my feet, I make my way over to where he sits and kneel on the ground in front of him. I ignore the tingles that spread through my body as I pull his hands away from his face and force him to look at me.

“Youareenough, Brady. More than enough. Your dad might have made some shitty choices, but you’re not one of them. He’s not trying to replace you; I can promise you that.”

“I fuck everything up, Rookie.” He licks his lips as his emerald gaze takes my breath away. My heart rate increases, but I don’t pull away as he brings one of his hands up to brush over my cheek.

His voice is low and gravelly. “I’m so sorry for the way I treated you. I was messed up and I fucked up the best thing in my life. I never should have given you an ultimatum.”

“Brady.” My voice is barely a whisper. “We can’t do this.” But I’m frozen in place by his touch.

“Why not?” We’re only inches apart now. “My feelings for you haven’t changed.”

“I–”

Brady’s phone rings, the shrill sound cutting through the tension. I blink back to reality as I quickly climb to my feet, putting as much space between us as I can. I make my way into the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water from the tap.

“Rookie,” Brady chokes out.

I shake my head, keeping my back to him. “We can’t do this, Brady. I can’t do this right now.”

I can feel him move closer and when he speaks, he’s standing just a few feet behind me. “Right now,” he repeats, hopeful. “But that doesn’t mean there’s no chance for us.”

My body tingles as he moves closer, yet still not close enough to touch. My body responds to his presence, but my head still fears the thought of being intimate with anyone.

“I’ve missed you so damn much.” The pain in Brady’s voice cuts through my thoughts, causing my whole body to tremble. “When Ivy told me you were going to your year twelve formal with some other guy when you should have been going with me, I was worried there was no hope for us. But then you showed up, just like you planned.” Brady places his hands on my shoulders, but instead of the tingles from before, my body stiffens like ice water has been poured down my back. “I knew it was my second chance –oursecond chance, and I promise you, I won’t stuff it up a second time.”

“I’m sorry about everything you’re going through with your family,” I say, my voice cold and detached as I take a step away, still keeping my back to him so he can’t see the pain his words have elicited in me. “And I want you to stop blaming yourself for any of it. The guilt lies on your dad’s shoulders. But I’m back here for school. That’s it.” I close my eyes and try to stop my voice from breaking. “I’m your friend. I want to be your friend, but there can’t be anything more between us. I need you to accept that.”

Tension rolls off my body in waves as I wait for Brady’s response. He remains quiet for several moments before he finally clears his throat. His phone rings again and he reaches into his pocket to silence it once more.

“Rookie–”

“I think you should go.”

He’s quiet for a moment, probably weighing up his options, but then he sighs. Tension seeps out of my shoulders as I listen to his footsteps cross my apartment.

When he opens the door, I swallow before calling out, “I know you think Ivy doesn’t get it, but you need to talk to her. You need to listen to her. She’s going through this, too. She needs you.”

The door closes behind him and I release the shaky breath I’ve been holding and drop down to my knees. A couple of tears roll down my cheeks and I brush them away. It isn’t Brady’s fault. He doesn’t know what Drew did, and he doesn’t know the effect that bringing him up would have on me.

I’m damaged, and nothing he says or does is going to change that.

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