Page 75 of Wild Hearts

The feeling gets worse the closer we get to the church. By the time I pull into the car park beside Jordan’s van, my stomach is a mess. I turn off the ignition but don’t make any move to get out of the car. Lachy casts a quick glance in my direction before climbing out and opening the back door for Ivy and Wren. The doors bang shut behind them and my sister kisses Lachy on the cheek before rushing up the stairs to fulfill her god-motherly duties. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting out a mumbled, “Here the fuck we go.”

But I still can’t bring myself to get out of the car. Jordan, Lachy, Wren and Harley are hovering on the front lawn of the church waiting for me, but my chest feels like it’s about to implode. Wren says something to the guys, handing her camera bag over to Harley as she makes her way back over to me. The guys turn and head into the church as she opens the passenger side door and climbs in. She takes my hand in hers and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“Are you okay?” she asks softly, her ocean blue eyes studying my face.

My heart is in my throat. I wish I could just lose myself in her. Wrap her in my arms and breathe her in, but I can’t. As much as it kills me, she’s not mine anymore.

Instead, I return the squeeze and force a smile while my flask of whiskey and bottle of pain pills burns a hole in my pocket. “I’m fine.”

“If you need–”

“I’m fine, Rookie,” I grunt out. “I just...” I shake my head and rest it against the steering wheel. “I can’t go in there.”

Wren reaches over and rests her hand on my shoulder, my skin heating under her touch. “Are you sure? I’m not going to push you to do something you don’t want to do, but I also don’t want you to regret it.”

“I can’t stand up there with them and pretend like nothing happened. Like my dad didn’t cheat on my mum with Tarshia. That Theo isn’t a result of that.”

“Brady, look at me.”

I lift my head from the steering wheel and look into her sparkling eyes. “No one is going to think any less of you for whatever you choose to do. Not your mum, not your dad, not Ivy.”

My stomach churns, my breakfast threatening to make a reappearance as I turn my head and look up at the church. How am I supposed to walk in there?

“I’ll be right there with you,” Wren says, as if hearing my thoughts. “So will Jordan and Harley and Lachy. You’re not alone.”

I nod and we sit there in silence for a moment. Wren is patiently giving me the time I need to decide whether I can do this or not. Can I go in there and watch Dad proudly dote on his new son?

Ivy and I were never Christened. Mum and Dad weren’t religious. We’ve never been to church except for weddings and funerals. Is Dad hoping that by baptism Theo, he’ll turn out to be the son he always wanted? Was I not good enough? Is that why he had to go and have an affair and get Tarshia knocked up?

Tears prick my eyes and I blink them back. I don’t want to break down right now, especially not in front of Wren. I’m being ridiculous. It’s just a fucking Baptism.

I clear my throat and finally open the door, stepping out into the crisp Autumn air. The breeze settles on the sweat at the back of my neck, causing me to shiver. I close the car door just as Wren climbs out. She smiles as she walks over and slips her hand into mine. She gives it another gentle squeeze and my heart damn near threatens to burst out of my chest. I still love her, and it means more than she knows to have her standing by my side.

I lead her up the steps of the church, and we can hear the priest’s voice through the closed door. The service has already begun. I picture my sister standing at the front of the church next to Dad and Tarshia. I hesitate at the top of the steps. Can I really do this?

Wren doesn’t say anything. She just stands there and waits patiently, all the while still holding my hand. My legs start to shake, and I pull my hand from her grasp, leaning against the concrete pillar.

“I-I’m sorry.” I hate the way that my voice cracks. “I don’t think I can do this. I can’t go in there.” I slide down until I’m seated on the top step.

Wren sits down next to me and rests her head on my shoulder. Her coconut-scented shampoo washes over me and I breathe in deep, taking solace in the fact that she’s out here supporting me when she could be in there with Ivy.

I lace my fingers through hers. “Thank you, Rookie,” I murmur, pressing my lips to the side of her head.

She lets out a soft sigh. “I’m always here for you, Brady. Nothing will ever change that.”

I want to ask her what that means for us. I want to ask her if she still thinks we have a chance, but now isn’t the time. Over the last couple of weeks, she has slowly been letting her guard down around me and I don’t want to push my limits. I’ll choose friendship over nothing at all.

Instead, we sit there in silence, lost in our own thoughts. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do when the church service is over. We still have the reception at Dad’s place. All of his friends and Tarshia’s family will be there. My thoughts turn to Nan and Pops and what they would think about all of this if they were still here.

My body tenses as the church doors open and close behind us. A hand squeezes my shoulder and I look up to see Jordan.

“You alright?” he asks, dropping down onto the step next to Wren. I shrug. “I just thought I’d let you know, it’s nearly over.”

“What do you want to do?” Wren asks.

My eyes drift over the shoulders of my best mate and my ex-girlfriend.What do I want to do?I’ve already let my sister down once today. I can’t do it again.

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