Page 85 of When Sinners Dare

He nods and starts the engine. I wrap my arms around him and position myself close up against his back on the bike. As he tilts the bike, steering it out of the drive and into traffic, I lean with him – he moves, I move. The speed ticks up, and the blast of adrenalin helps chase the rest of the shit away.

Like last time, Kai just rides. I’ve no idea where we’re heading, and I don’t need to know. Right now, I need to clear my head and stop overthinking every last move I’ve made for the last few weeks. And I think Kai does, too.

I enjoy the freedom on the bike and let myself forget as he keeps driving and the sun begins to set. Out here, wherever we are, I enjoy the golden glow as the day seeps into the horizon. It’s a poetic picture and one at odds with the rest of my life.

The road carries on, and we let the roar of the bike provide all the background noise we need. No conversation. No questions. He pulls off onto a side road and heads to a stop point. Nobody else is here, it’s deserted, with only the cicadas for company. I remove my helmet and look up at the stars. The sky’s alight with them this far from the city, and I gaze up in peace.

He grabs a bag that I hadn’t noticed from the bike and sets about building a fire. I watch as he unrolls a sleeping bag and wonder back to the first time we went off riding.The flames begin to lick over the wood and sticks, and I take a seat on the rolled-out bag. Kai joins me, close enough to poke and shift to the small fire.

After a while, the silence grows too heavy, and I break it. “Do you want to go first?” I ask.

“First for what?”

“Talking. Or, we can try drinking if you’ve got anything in that bag. It seemed to work on our first date.” A swell of melancholy takes me, and I lock it back down with all of the emotion that’s still simmering from watching my brother leave.

“We’re way past that, Mariana.” His voice is full of the weight of what’s happened over the last couple of days – the weight of me in his life.

“I know,” I breathe out and cross my arms as we look out across the desert.

“What did Dante say?” he asks.

“A lot. Not much I want to repeat. Bottom line is he’s out. He’s leaving, and he’s made his choice.” My voice is flat and desolate as I fight the emotion from spilling out. I don’t want to cry again. Not with Kai. “It wasn’t us.”

“Can he do that?”

“He’s Dante. He’ll do whatever he wants.” I look at him and follow the shadows across his face. The light casts him in darkness, and I wonder if it suits him or if I’m hoping it does because I want him to stay here, in the dark, with me.

“What do you want, Mariana?”

“What, now?” I try and grasp the context of his question.

“Today, tomorrow, next week, hell, next year. Because I have no fucking idea, and yet, I’m here. I’m in, but I need to know what you want.” He turns to face me and runs a finger down the side of my face. A shiver of nerves erupts along my spine at his touch, and I fight the desire to lean into him. I’ve lost Dante today. There’s a huge gaping wound that I have the urge to fill, but that’s not fair on Kai. He deserves more than that. So much more.

“That’s a big question, Kai.”

“Yeah, and I want the fucking answer.”

“I know.” I rub his arm and rest my head on his shoulder as I move closer into him, before snaking my arm through his. “I know you’re the only thing I’m sure about right now. So much has shifted, it’s like quicksand under my feet. Every time I move, I’m pulled down again.”

“So why don’t we go? Leave. Put all the shit and the pain behind and go. What’s stopping us?” His eyes spark in the light as he suggests it, and I can see the pull that he has to just escape.

More of me than I care to admit would love to give that to him. To pick up and leave. But I can’t. “No. I can’t do that. I can’t leave my family.”

“You’ve been fighting with your brothers since I met you. Nothing has changed, it's only got worse. For both of us.”

“I know, but I can’t.”

“WHY?” He yells, chucking a stick onto the flames and standing up.

“I’m a Cortez!” I scream back at him. “I’m a Cortez,” I repeat calmly. “I’ve been working for my own place at the table since I can remember, and I’ve proven I deserve it more now than ever. There are frustrations and fighting, but I can’t turn my back on something I’ve wanted all my life. Not when it’s so close. It would feel like failing, and I can’t do that.” I pause and wait, and I see the confusion and decisions that he’s wrestling with. “There are only a few things that I want in my life. My own freedom to live unchecked, respect and control of my life. Part of that will involve you. I want to choose you and not have to fight or win some arbitrary battle that my brothers think will ultimately protect me.” He doesn’t respond. “Did you hear me?” I stand and grab his hand.

He raises his head and pushes his hair from his face. He smiles, but it’s not the usual smile I recognise. “And if they don’t give you that?”

My heart hammers in my chest as I run the scenario in my mind. It’s been something that I’ve refused to consider because I always had faith it wouldn’t come to that. “I don’t know,” I whisper, feeling like the rug’s just been pulled from under me. Because given everything that’s happened, my faith is in tatters.

The realisation that I might have to choose to leave cracks a little piece of my heart. And then all of this will be for nothing. Everything Kai’s got involved with will be for nothing. It’s not a fantasy to hope that he might be as big a part of me – of my family – as my brothers are. I can see it happening with every minute we’re together. But with Dante leaving, I can’t wrap my head around what choices I may have to consider in the future. It’s too raw. Too new.

Considering everything Kai’s done for me, I reach for the words to try to explain why I feel the way I do. It might help him and the least I can do is try. Pulling him back down, I stare towards the flames. “My brothers have shaped me more than I even realise.” I start. “Growing up around them, the way they think – power, control, and intimidation – it’s like they flow through their blood. Our blood. I’ve never craved those things. Not directly, at least. Acceptance amongst my family. Being allowed to be myself. Having a fair playing field. Not being seen as weak. That’s what I’ve wanted since I came back from being taken.”

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